


do not go gentle into that good night

by Anonymous



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Blood and Torture, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gang Rape, Heavy Angst, Hurt Poe Dameron, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, May the Force Be With You, Multi, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Painful Sex, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:28:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26131147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Commander Poe Dameron has been captured by the First Order. After months of severe torture, the arrival of the new Admiral of the First Order sparks hope in his captivity. Can Poe ever truly escape the First Order, and what is he willing to sacrifice in the process?
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Armitage Hux, Poe Dameron/Original Female Character(s), Poe Dameron/Other(s)
Comments: 52
Kudos: 80
Collections: Anonymous Fics, May The Anon Be With You: Forever Anonymous Star Wars Collection





	1. The Intervention

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: this fanfic includes very graphic and frequent descriptions of torture and rape. Please do not read if any of these topics upsets you. 
> 
> If you find any typos or grammatical errors, please let me know in the comments!

The gates to the main hall of the Starkiller base opened before Commander Poe Dameron like a predator’s mouth opening to devour him. He was momentarily disoriented by the blinding lights and the overlapping voices drowned out by the music. The two Stormtroopers pulled him by the chains on his wrists and he stumbled forward, struggling to maintain his balance as they dragged him inside the room. Familiar faces greeted him everywhere he looked, some solemn, some enraged, others with malicious, complacent smiles. Men and women he had fought, captured or imprisoned in the Resistance, now standing over him like monsters about to ravage their prey. Poe’s eyes traveled to the top of the room, where Supreme Leader Snoke lounged on his throne with Kylo Ren by his side.

The Stormtroopers halted before their General. Hux extended his hands towards the crowd behind him. “And now, the main entertainment of this illustrious evening. Behold, the Commander of the Resistance!” he roared. “We have had him in our possession for over seven months now. In this time, he has not given us any information about the location and plans of the Resistance.” 

Hux’s eyes glinted predatorily. His austere interior always faltered when he was given the opportunity to torture Poe. Then, through the cracks, Poe could see the thrill of a child being handed its favorite toy. “Tonight, we see if we can change that.” 

Poe curled in on himself unconsciously. During the last few months, he had lost over thirty pounds of weight, which had left his body frail and painfully thin. His weakness certainly did not go unnoticed by those around him. He tried to keep his gaze fixed on Hux’s cold green eyes, but lately he had been obsessing over the irrational thought that this man could sometimes force his gaze right inside his soul, deeper than Kylo Ren had ever gone. _Pain is temporary_ , Poe thought. _It is the fear that is bending you._

The truth was, it was both the fear and the pain that was bending Poe. As Hux took the black leather whip from the troop's hand and raised it to demonstrate it to the crowd, he felt panic bite at his insides. The praise and enthusiasm of the crowd only worsened his growing anxiety.

It had not been this way at the beginning. At the beginning he would’ve met his old enemies with a smile in his lips, he would’ve mocked Hux’s speech, he would’ve sneered at the whip. Days and days of relentless abuse had taught him that mocking the inevitable only prolonged his pain. If he were to try to resist now, he would only humiliate himself and the Resistance in the eyes of those most willing to destroy them. There were so many of them around him. He feared he wouldn’t be able to restrain himself from begging. He feared he wouldn’t be able to remain strong before these people. 

That was exactly the First Order’s purpose.

They dragged him to the wall where everyone could see him and ripped his shirt off. His heart fluttered wildly in his chest. His breath came in anxious, shallow inhales that echoed in his ears pathetically as they tied his hands around the large pole. He shut his eyes and rested his head on the cool marble in an effort to calm himself. _Some temporary pain, nothing more_ , he told himself, but the murmurs around him commenting on his terrible state and the general exhilaration of the audience assured him that this was more than another attempt to force him to speak. It was an ugly and undisputed display of the First Order’s power.

The first blow came without warning and Poe instinctively arched his body in pain. He was blessedly able to stay quiet. The crowd behind him hummed in approval. The second came on his left shoulder, followed by the third on his right. He clenched his fists around his bonds as he felt the blood trail down his back.

It took a dozen of blows until the man had found the balance and strength required to set a rhythm. On the twelfth blow, Poe let out a choked whimper. His body was beginning to spasm. He pressed his face against the crook of his shoulder and tried to calm down before he lost control, but on the next blow, he whimpered audibly, and tears started to run down his cheeks. On the seventeenth blow, a pained cry escaped his lips. 

That seemed to excite the crowd greatly. The force of the next blow left him breathless. His torturer was encouraged by the crowd’s enthusiastic reaction, and by the sounds Poe made. New wounds were now opening on top of old ones, and he was openly screaming with each one. 

On the thirtieth blow, his knees buckled under him and he lost balance, Hux immediately appearing to stabilize him. He pulled his hair back painfully. “Tiring so soon, rebel scum?” he hissed. “Once it would’ve taken fifty blows just to hear your voice. All your friends are here now, and you’re not leaving just yet. Today I’m not stopping until I see your bones.” 

Poe pushed himself up with difficulty and braced himself against his restraints, ignoring the way his insides curled at Hux’s words. _Don’t let him intimidate you_ , he begged himself, shaking hard under the man's touch. He cried out at the next unexpected blow with Hux staring straight into his eyes. 

Poe’s vision was beginning to blur from the blood loss and air inefficiency. The gasps he struggled to draw were tainted with the coppery scent of his blood. He had stopped counting at forty blows, focusing instead on keeping himself upright and as quiet as possible, failing tragically at both. His entire body spasmed violently, his knees threatened to give in with each new blow, and his cries echoed around the hall. Poe felt the entire base could hear him, down to the engineers working beneath them. The world around him was fading and reforming. Shocks of pain kept him awake, but he feared he would lose consciousness with each new blow. _I am not broken,_ he willed himself to think. _I will not break now._

After what felt like more than twenty blows, Poe was beginning to doubt himself. Surely the First Order wouldn’t let him die in this way. He told himself that with each new lash, but his heart was pounding so hard and painfully in his chest and he felt that he had lost more blood than ever. He had never taken this many lashes, but the satisfaction of his audience didn’t let them stop. He was too valuable an asset for them to kill to keep a party going, wasn't he? As the man went on, Poe felt the cold grasp of fear creep up in his heart. The more he cried and trembled, the more fear he felt. The Dark Side fed on his fear.

A harsh female voice pierced through the noise. “Enough!” 

The next blow never came. A row of surprised murmurs sounded behind him and then silence engulfed the room, interrupted only by Poe’s gasping moans as he struggled to collect himself and rise up. His boots were slipping in his own blood beneath him and his feet could no longer hold him. He was too exhausted to turn to see what was happening and he didn’t want to draw any unnecessary attention. Loud hurried footsteps announced the appearance of a woman next to him. Taller than him, well-built, with red veins tracing prominently underneath her pale skin, a humanoid race Poe was not familiar with. Her dark hair was held up with an ornament with the sigil of the First Order. Her eyes were dark red pools of blood, and they searched his face with an unsettled expression.

She leaned toward him, pressing gently against his right side as if to shield him. Poe’s body was shaking uncontrollably. His muscles were convulsing painfully. “Easy now,” she whispered in his ear. She reached with long, veined fingers to touch his left shoulder and he recoiled feebly, bracing for pain. 

As soon as he felt her touch, a wave of comfort washed over him. His muscles relaxed and the pressure lifted off his lungs, allowing him to finally draw an agonized deep breath in relief. His heartbeat itself seemed to lower dramatically, going from a painful pounding to a soft and tranquil pulsation in his ears. The overwhelming burn in his back did not become less severe, but it numbed like that of a healing wound. He felt the light touch of the Force run through his veins. He realized that tears had stained his cheeks, and more were flowing freely. Ashamed, he pressed his face to his shoulder, so close to her that he could breathe in her earthly perfume.

Hux’s strident voice broke the silence. “Is something the matter, Admiral Nova?”

 _Casslond Devon, codenamed "Nova",_ Poe’s mind sluggishly traveled, _owner of the Black Horizon fleet, the destroyer of a Resistance base and at least seven of their ships, a fleet personally gifted to her by Snoke._ That woman had never outright challenged or battled the Resistance, but she had aided the First Order in pulling them out of their previous base, and she had consistently followed Snoke around for years. A Force user, not hesitating to draw power from both the Light and the Dark Side. Leia had told him that she was unsure whether she was an enemy or a mere spectator of their fight. Poe had said that the fact that she channeled the Force through the Dark Side was evidence enough for him. Her presence in the Starkiller and her apparent advancement to Admiral of the First Order was stark proof. 

Poe’s nerves tingled at being held by their enemy, who tightened her grip on his shoulder. “This display has been enough, General Hux. You may return to your festivities.” 

Hux’s voice came out strained. He was obviously offended by her interruption. “You have no say over what we do to our prisoners!” 

She turned to face him, taking with her the Force and letting Poe fall back into the acute pain and panic. Her voice came out clear in the hall. “Supreme Leader Snoke,” she straightened her back. “This evening is being hosted in my honor, is it not?”

A moment of silence. “Correct.” Snoke’s voice eventually came, sounding cautionary and somewhat displeased. 

“Then it is fair that I choose to end this event, as it is not to my liking.” she continued, unwavering. “Forgive me if I am being brass, Supreme Leader, but I did not leave my planet and my ships unguarded and travel three days to watch a defenseless man being whipped to the bone by Stormtroopers.” 

Poe’s eyes fluttered, his pain keeping him from analyzing the situation fast enough. His heart was thumping on his chest once more, and she reached out to tuck his hair behind his ear, easing his breath back into his lungs. He leant into the touch desperately, rejoicing at the tranquility and ease her power provided. Perhaps later he would feel pathetic for his neediness, but at the moment he was feeling as if he was clinging to life itself. She caressed his hair back. “And, please, allow me to say, as an Admiral, that is it highly counterproductive to bring a prisoner on the brink of death for entertainment’s sake-“

Hux’s voice raised dangerously. “She is being affectionate to that dog!“

“Rest assured that I would have stopped before his heart did.” Snoke interrupted him calmly as if he had not heard him.

“I mean no disrespect, Supreme Leader, but it wouldn’t have been much longer,” she complained. “It seems that Kylo Ren and Armitage Hux are willing to sacrifice such a valuable prisoner to feed their inflatable egos.” 

Poe heard a few scandalized gasps. Snoke continued without addressing this insult. “Nova, I know that you hate a weak opponent. I share your feelings. It truly feels juvenile if they can’t even resist.” he paused for a moment and murmured skeptically. “I will admit that this whole event has been rather untasteful…”

“Nauseating.” she spat, and then said, in a more relaxed manner. “If this is General Hux’s idea of entertainment, I shudder to think of his hobbies.”

That rose a row of laughter by the crowd. It sounded to Poe like some of the Stormtroopers were laughing too. Through his agony and exhaustion, he managed to turn around to catch a glimpse at Hux’s face. The General was practically shaking with rage. Veins were popping out on his forehead and his eyes burned with hatred. _If he had the Force, it would have torn the Admiral’s body to pieces by now_ , Poe thought. 

“But this is not only a matter of entertainment,” Snoke said, smiling himself. “Commander Dameron is a rebel leader, and we must draw information.”

The woman nodded understandingly, moving a few steps towards the crowd with her hands open by her sides. “If General Hux wants to make this man talk, he should leave this dirty business behind closed doors, where it belongs. Torturing battered, defenseless men for sport is beneath the grandeur of the First Order, of the Knights of Ren and of the Supreme Leader.” she paused, offering them the blindingly charming smile of a true diplomat. Her voice mellowed. “We are not cowards. We don’t need to brutalize a rebel to demonstrate our superiority to the Resistance. Let us celebrate our well-earned victories at this delightful evening! Talk politics and war, if we must...but leave bloodshed to the battlefield, where our opponent can _hit us back_.” 

Anticipation built up in the silence. Everyone was sensing how the Admiral was being borderline offensive. To whom was unclear. Certainly to Hux and Kylo Ren, who were responsible for this whole event. Certainly to the guests, who were cheering for the torturer mere minutes ago. Maybe, deliberately or not, to Snoke himself, who had allowed himself to watch this thing which, as she said, was beneath a Supreme Leader. Eventually, it was he who broke the silence. “I trust Admiral Nova’s judgement,” he said thoughtfully. “Given that we have her to thank for our most recent victories, I will grant her this request.”

“Thank you, Supreme Leader.” she bowed her head deeply. “You honor me.” 

A murmur of disappointment sounded in the hall before the music started playing again. The crowd around him started to spread back to their tables fast. The Admiral’s glassy smile remained on her lips as her red eyes traced across the room, meeting those who were waiting to see what she would do.

Eventually, she turned away from them and reached out for Poe’s hand behind the pole, swiftly untying the chain. He immediately felt his body fall backwards. She steadied him with an arm carefully wrapped around his chest. “It’s fine, I got you,” she reassured him as she reached out for his other hand. When Poe was freed, he fell back into her arms, his body sinking to the ground, seemingly out of his control. She held him tightly as she helped him get to his knees. Standing beside him and partially shielding him from prying eyes, she reached out to dry the tears on his face. The pain was keeping him tense whenever she withdrew her touch, and though he couldn’t bear to look at her or even keep his eyes open, he pressed his cheek against her palm. “You’ll be fine,” she said softly, and somehow Poe felt the words ground him and settle in his mind. _I’ll be fine_ , he thought and honestly believed it. _Am I being mind-controlled?_ he asked himself a moment later, too fatigued and drunken by the Force to feel panic.

Hux hovered over them menacingly. “Take him back to his cell. Tend to his wounds in three hours. I want no scars.” 

“If you leave him like this for three hours, he will die of blood loss,” she warned him.

Hux narrowed his eyes. “I don’t answer to you, Admiral.” 

"You will answer to Snoke himself if the Commander of the Resistance dies for your pleasure." she hissed back.

The men lifted him from his armpits, and Poe yelped at the sudden pain and at being separated from the Admiral’s Force. Unable to stand, let alone move his legs, he allowed himself to be dragged away. As he was leaving the room, he saw the Admiral and Hux standing dangerously close to each other. Hux was spitting words at her, glaring at her with a burning intensity which she seemed to ignore. Her long red gown had been stained black by Poe’s blood, her eyes were following his movements, and she was twisting an intricate silver saber in her hands stiffly, as if she was trying to restrain herself from using it.


	2. The Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: this chapter features sexual assault. Please mind the warning tags.

The guards had thrown him on the floor of his cell, and Poe had remained there for hours, unable to move while a pool of blood formed around him. His hands wrapped around his shoulders as crises of pain occasionally shocked him, reducing him to a moaning, shaking mess and then throwing him into a depthless oblivion of motionlessness. 

The guards appeared in time to start the interrogation, but Poe barely registered their arrival. A man hovered over him. "Stars..." a pair of black boots turned his face towards the ceiling. “Get the General. I think he’s really dying.”

Hux ran into the room a few moments later, pushing the troops out of his way hurriedly. He pulled Poe to his feet roughly, gripping his chin and tilting it towards the light. Poe had a hard time focusing on anything and he could barely keep his eyes open through the haze. Hux's form faded and blurred before him. He shook him hard to get him to stare at him, ignoring his weak cries. “Get him to the medic immediately!” he ordered.

The troops started dragging him with them, chainless. They ran him through empty corridors. Above them, Poe could distinctly hear the music still playing between their shouts and Hux's orders. The medic, a tall, middle-aged human with grey hair, appeared behind them, pulling his medical gown over his formal suit. Hux grabbed him by the shoulder. “That wench said it, and it’s happening.” he hissed. “That witch.”

They sent him face down onto the medical table. His vision darkened as soon as he hit the table. Somewhere in between the conscious and unconscious world, he felt someone remove his trousers. Behind him, the medic used a towel to roughly wipe the blood off his back. Poe groaned loudly, cowering. The man was never particularly gentle, seeing as his injuries would be healed by the bacta, but on that day he reeked of alcohol, and his movements were completely careless and coarse, as if Poe was a piece of meat beneath him.

“You shouldn’t have left him to bleed out this long!” the medic complained, holding Poe still with a hand between his shoulder blades.

“Do your job and spare me the judgement!” Hux yelled, but his voice sounded more concerned than threatening.

The man continued wiping down his back, and Poe braced himself against the sides of the table, breathing heavily through the pain of his wounds reopening and fresh blood spurting out. The medic turned him on his back and Poe moaned weakly as his cuts came in contact with the cold metal beneath him. He took out a syringe and injected it on Poe’s elbow, the liquid sending a jolt of fire up his right arm. Numb relief took over Poe's mind. The sedative would take less than five minutes to kick in, and he would soon feel and think nothing. In the end, the medic parted Poe’s lips and placed the breathing device between his teeth.

He moved behind the table to set the bacta tank in use. The man stopped for a moment, seemingly lost in thought. He looked at the door for a long moment before glancing at Poe. His hand hovered over the board, but he didn’t push the buttons. Poe's entire body shivered under his gaze. _Hux and his troops have left_ , he realized in panic.

He shrank against the table as the medic walked toward him. Calmly, he grabbed Poe by his hips and pulled him over the edge of the table. His hands were cold and clammy, but they held him in place easily. Poe’s stomach turned. He started trashing manically, screaming without a sound. Through the breathing device, all that was heard of his voice was a muffled “Mph!”.

“Be quiet,” the medic ordered, running his hands over Poe’s thighs leisurely, as if it was part of the examination. 

Poe was gradually losing all control of his body. Soon he wouldn't be able to move a muscle, but he knew that sometimes he would remain semi-conscious until the man put him in the tank. As the medic started undoing his trousers in slow, drunken movements, Poe released a muffled shout, hitting his head against the metal beneath him in desperation.

Hux’s flushed face appeared on the door. “Have you lost your mind?” he howled. “You’re going to get him killed!”

“ _I_ am going to get him killed?” the medic yelled, exasperated, pushing a resisting Poe back against the table. “You throw him to me in pieces-“

“Your job is to keep him alive!” Hux spat out.

“He is not dying yet! I know his body, he can take some more.” the medic smirked. “Calm your nerves, Armitage. Don’t pretend you’re not turned on by this.”

He waved at Poe’s squirming form, desperately yet feebly struggling to break free of his firm grip, gagged screams leaving his lips. Poe prayed that Hux’s iron discipline would be enough to defeat his sick lust. The General shook his head uneasily, but his eyes lingered on Poe’s body.

A troop ran into the room and saluted Hux. “General, the Supreme Leader requests your presence at the hall.”

Hux evened the fabric of his suit with shaking fingers, suddenly pulled back to reality. He pointed at Poe. “Put him on the tank _now._ ” he ordered decisively before disappearing out of the door.

The medic watched them leave the room. "What a conceited fool," he murmured.

At this point, all that was left of Poe's world was a sequence of shadows and whispers. He wasn't sure what he was feeling, but he thought that he was being pulled closer to the medic. “Go to sleep now,” he said reassuringly, his words lost on Poe. The last thing he felt was a cold hand traveling between his legs.

* * *

Poe didn't know how long he had been on the bacta when the tank opened and he fell on his knees on the floor. He was blinded by the helpless disorientation he felt after time spent in the warmth, silence, and comfort of the bacta until a guard threw a bucket of frozen water on him. He gasped at the sudden cold, shrinking to himself. The floor flooded with water and bacta, but finally, there was no blood. The scars in his back had sealed themselves together. A numb pain shot up his spine and back with every move he made, persistent yet distant like the memory of that nightmarish evening. Poe could handle that kind of pain, one breath at a time. 

Three guards picked him up and started dressing him. Poe was surprised to see them pulling a shirt over his shoulders. The feel of the fabric against his skin was almost grounding. It was rare that he would be fully dressed, so he assumed he would be taken to someone who shouldn't be exposed to his condition. The men tied the cuffs around his wrists. Next to them, the medic was resetting the bacta tank. He shot Poe a warning glance before making way for them. A lump formed in Poe's throat, and he was grateful when they started pulling him out of the room.

They lead him to the officer dining hall. The room was divided in large, round tables surrounded by red curtains which blocked the view and voices of those inside, small havens of privacy where officers spoke of sensitive matters without being bothered by their colleagues or their soldiers.

Quiet whispers echoed in the room, but Poe couldn't make out a single word as they crossed it or when they forced him to his knees in front of one of the tables. Admiral Nova was dining with a human man before a pile of papers. They were both fully absorbed in conversation, heatedly arguing over something in low, urgent voices. When the guards halted before their table, it took her several moments to notice their arrival as she pointed at the contents of a paper for the man. When she saw them, she looked straight at Poe’s eyes. He lowered his gaze instinctively.

She got up and shook the man’s hand. “I will contact you soon,”

As the man strolled off the table, he landed a hard kick on Poe’s stomach. He doubled over with a wheeze and gasped for air, his chest restricting his breath.

When he managed to look up again through burning eyes, he found the Admiral's gaze following the man’s back with a severe expression. Her black military uniform had the dark red sigil of the First Order embroidered on her shoulder. The sigil brought out her eyes, which gleamed in the darkness of the room. Stiffly, she returned to her seat and ushered them over. “Bring him to me.”

The guards pulled him inside the tank and dropped him by her feet under the table. At some other time, Poe would’ve felt humiliated at being thrown at this woman's feet like a pet, but his desire to remain as calm and unbothered as he was feeling at the moment overcame his pride.

It was quiet and dark inside the private table, the heavy curtains blocking out both the noise and light of the outer world. A single candle burned at the table in front of the Admiral’s papers as she continued to scribble rapidly. She dismissed the guards with a wave of her hand. “That’ll be all.”

The guards looked at each other uneasily. Clasping his hands behind his back, one of them took a step forward. “Admiral, we can’t leave you alone with him.”

Her voice was icy and curt. “The Admiral of the First Order can handle a bound prisoner. Leave this room at once.”

“I am sorry, mam.” he insisted firmly. “We have direct orders. We will not leave.”

Admiral Nova raised her eyes from her work and stared at the man. “Is the spirit of the resistance taking over our own troops? Do you want me to will you to leave?” she asked in exasperation, bewildered by his response. “Do you want me to will you to throw yourself into open space, followed by whoever gave you this stupid order?”

Poe felt a small change in the atmosphere, as if the air had been electrified. Nova's chest rose and fell with heavy breaths. The change was not in his imagination. The guards took a few steps back with their hands on their blasters. One of them handed her the chain to Poe's cuffs. She stared at it with discontent, and he left it on the table. Both men saluted her swiftly and left the room.

Once they were alone, the tension in the atmosphere disappeared as if it had never been there. She gazed back down in her papers, drawing lines over what was written. She murmured some curse under her breath, something about Hux and about incompetency. She turned to look at him. “Hello,” she said in a strangely gentle tone, like she was trying to communicate with someone who didn’t speak her language. “Hello, Commander Poe.”

She reached out for him. He watched her hand in distress, flinching away from her, yet it never touched him. Instead, it hovered over his face, moving slowly as if she was trying to clear something in the air around him. A shiver went up Poe’s spine, and the back of his head started tingling. She lowered her hand. “It is true, then. Someone has taught you to resist the Force. Rather well, If I may say.” she scoffed, seemingly amused. “Leia’s golden boy.”

He gritted his teeth and he glared directly into her dark red eyes at the mention of General Organa in her honeyed, ironic voice. _Snoke’s bitch_ , he thought, but was smart enough not to say it. Some other time, he would've been less wise.

“You don’t have to say it for me to hear it,” the Admiral said.

He quickly withdrew his gaze, fearful for her rage. Much like with Kylo Ren, Poe may have been able to keep her off the deeper parts of his mind, where the information he fought so hard to keep hid, but she could still probe around them, grasping thoughts, memories, and unimportant pieces of information.

She didn’t seem sincerely bothered by his insult. She gathered her papers and set them on the cushions beside her absently. “My name is Casslond ‘Nova’ Devon. I am the Admiral of the Black Horizon fleet. I think you know me. Six years ago, you, specifically _you_ , blew up three of my dreadnoughts.” she paused, and her voice became deadly serious. “I lost a great deal of credits and influence on that day."

Poe swallowed hard. How much of his worry could she feel? Did she sense his fear, as predators did to prey? She was watching him closely with an unreadable expression. “I have been assigned Admiral of the First Order fleet. I am now responsible for the security of these new ships.” she continued. “As of that, I called you here to warn you that you cannot escape this place. I take it that this has been made clear to you by now.”

Poe thought to the first and only organized effort he had made to escape. When Hux had caught him, he had severed his hamstring with a sharp blade. He had left him on the floor of his room, bleeding and screaming his lungs out, completely unable to stand in his legs. Poe feared that he wouldn't send him to the bacta tank, that he would leave him incapacitated for life. It was the first time that he had begged Hux, sobbing with his arms wrapped around his knees. Hux did send him to the medic afterwards, but not before Poe had completely broken down and surrendered before him. That fear never left him, and he never attempted another escape.

The Admiral was aware of that, of course. The entire base had seen him crawl. 

“I also want it to be clear that the Resistance will never find you here. Our increased security and my Force keep us out of their reach. Princess Leia can’t find us if she sends every single one of her rebels out on the search. Even if Luke Skywalker decides to walk out of his hiding place, Kylo Ren and I have shielded this place out of the eyes of the Universe.” she shook her head. “So abandon this hope behind.”

Poe looked down blankly. His breaths came out steady and even. Her words didn’t have an effect on him. He had abandoned this hope long before she came, and he had sunk into a quiet, bleak certainty that he would not be rescued. He knew no one was coming for him. The Resistance was likely not even searching anymore, focused instead on restoring order after the destruction of the Republic. Even if they managed to locate him, Poe knew that the moment the rebels infiltrated or even approached the base, Hux would slice his throat. He had told him that many times.

If the Admiral could hear his thoughts, she didn't comment on them. She downed a large gulp of red wine. “Can I offer you a drink in this trying time?”

Poe looked up at that and he felt his resolve fade away. His throat was burning with thirst, and he wrapped his hands around it unconsciously. _Nothing comes for free in here_ , he reminded himself. He had lost count of the times he had laid on his knees before a guard in exchange for water, or for two extra hours of sleep. He didn't want to think of what she could force him to do if he accepted her gift. He dragged his eyes away from her, but part of him was ready to beg.

She seemed confused by his reaction. “Are you thirsty?” she asked. She reached over the table and quickly poured him a glass of water. He glanced at it anxiously. Rolling her eyes, she took a small sip and then extended it to him again.

Tentatively, he came forward and she brought the glass to his lips. He gulped at it hungrily, sudden relief washing over him. He felt some of it trail down his neck. She immediately poured him another one, and he downed that one down in an instant, breathing heavily through his nose. Her hand was on the back of his head, helping him to not strain his neck. “You mustn’t drink too much,” she said, and he watched her take the glass away. He was no longer thirsty, but he had no idea when he would get water again.

He didn’t know if she had read his mind, but she immediately said. “From now on, I will have them bring water to your cell every day,” she said. “I would like you to eat something too if you’re okay with that.”

He looked away, anxiety creeping up at her willingness to help him. She looked around at the table, hesitant before cutting a piece of plain bread. He opened his mouth carefully and took it. He chewed slowly, deliberately, and swallowed with difficulty. The taste felt strange on his swollen tongue. She waited for him to finish patiently, watching his every movement. “Very good,” she encouraged him as she gave him another piece. “I think you can keep that down,”

Poe continued eating slowly under her watchful eyes. After several minutes, he thought he was starting to feel his stomach swell up. He felt that he would soon vomit if he had any more. When she brought another piece before his lips, he looked at it worriedly. “Is that too much?” she asked, and he nodded, avoiding her gaze. She threw the bread to her plate with a deep sigh. She seemed upset, yet Poe was already feeling better than he had in weeks. She leaned over him and her fingers ghosted over the faded scars in his back. He lowered his head as her hand ran up and down his spine. “They've almost disappeared.” she murmured.

He leaned back against her hand. His giddiness had faded away for the first time in a long time, and he thought that it wasn’t just the water and food he had been granted, but also her touch, that was recharging the energy he thought he had permanently lost. He glanced at her. “Leaving free space for next time," 

She arched her eyebrows in surprise, straightening up. “So he speaks.”

“ _You_." he breathed, suddenly very eager to speak. "You helped the First Order destroy our previous base. And when everything was on fire, you got inside and helped the last of the survivors out. You gave us your credits. 'For the damage I've done', you said. You let rebels go unharmed, behind the backs of the Stormtroopers, before Hux's eyes." he paused. “And now you’re here. The Admiral of the First Order. Snoke's protege and Kylo Ren’s right hand. Why...Why are you helping me?" 

She observed him with a bewildered expression, as if she had expected him to be mute. “I can’t hope that a rebel commander would comprehend the _duality_ …" her eyes fluttered rapidly in search of words. "Of one's soul. But I hope you realize that my aid to the Resistance is an issue of discretion that I don’t want circulating around the First Order.”

He had no intention of letting any of them know. Leia had been dumbfounded by her action. The greatness of it was not lost on him. Twelve rebels had returned from the dead, and with the points they brought them, they bought nine new ships. The Admiral seemed to trust his silent response. “You are a clever man,” she stated simply. “And for that reason exactly, you can’t trust me. I understand that. I don’t think there is a way to manipulate you into trusting me now that Leia has guarded your mind so well, so I'll try to explain to you why I'm helping you in the simplest terms possible. " she pasued. "The First Order, the Resistance, the Light, the Dark Side…No one is _ever_ going to prevail. You will just keep killing each other in the centuries of centuries, and if someone manages to win, it will only be until the next battle. This, all this-” she pointed at him where he was lying beneath her. “This is not my fight.”

“You are the Admiral of the First Order,” he frowned. “Of course this is your fight. It’s your life’s work-”

“You will understand. In time.” she looked at the curtain behind them. She waved at him to approach her. Hovering over him, her voice came out low and serene. “I don’t care if you tell us where your base is, or not. I don’t care if you break and humiliate the Resistance, or not. I will not rejoice in seeing your people dead. And, hear this!” she pulled him closer to her by the hem of his shirt. Her eyes and her voice had suddenly acquired a burning intensity. “ _I will not let the Resistance collapse_. As long as there is the Dark Side, there must always be the Light to fight it. There will always be the Old Republic to the Empire, the Resistance to the First Order. We are codependent. If one of us dies, the other will rot as the Universe will sink into motionlessness and nothingness. Do you understand?”

“Do you understand?” she repeated intensely, and Poe instinctively tried to pull away, setting his gaze back down.

His reaction killed the spark in her eyes. Releasing him, she sank back against the cushions. A deep sigh left her lips and she brought her hand to hold the bridge of her nose. “Of course you don’t. You're getting tortured day after day in the hope of ending the Dark Side…But I think you can understand this much: I take no pleasure in seeing your pain,” she said simply. “And I'll try to make things easier for you now that I’m here.”

Poe didn’t answer. No matter what this woman had done for the Resistance, a protegee of Snoke was an advocate of the Dark Side. How could a so-called preserver of balance channel power from a source so dark, so corrupting, that it destroyed worlds, bent forces of nature, and deformed men to the point that they became blood-thirsty ghosts of themselves? 

No, Poe didn’t believe her for a second.

“I know you’re afraid,” she said half-heartedly. “I know you’ve been through much and you don’t want empty hopes, so I will tell you something early on.” she shut her eyes and said, with resolve. “I _will not_ let you escape and I _will not_ go against the Supreme Leader.”

Poe waited to hear another promise or another vague speech, but she ended the conversation there. A tense silence engulfed the table. Poe felt that she was disappointed by his reaction, but she also looked somehow guilty, as if she was disappointed at herself as well. She tapped her fingers on the papers beside her. “Do you want another glass of water before you leave?” she asked.

As she rose slightly to reach over the side of the table for the water, Poe managed to catch a glimpse at the papers on the cushion. One of them wrote, in bold letters, STARKILLER REBORN REINFORCEMENT: FORCE SHIELDS. He hurried to look away as she returned, but she froze in place with the glass in her hand. Her eyes travelled slowly from him to the papers. She scoffed in astonishment, shaking her head. He flinched away from the table, and she gripped his chains, pulling him back to her roughly by his wrists. A smile slowly crept up her lips. “Beaten and abused, and still a rebel to your dying breath!” she said, and her words ended in a fit of loud laughter. Her laughter was cordial, honest, and delighted. She leaned toward him with the glass in her hand, her shoulders still shaking in amusement as she brought it to his lips. “Tear us apart, Commander.”


	3. The Reintervention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: rape

The two blissfully dreamless hours of sleep Poe got were interrupted by conspiring whispers above his head. Two guards and an officer were standing over his sleeping form as he slowly woke up. It was night, he figured. The base was silent and empty, moving peacefully through space, and they were not in military attire. When he saw his eyes flutter open, the officer exchanged a dark look with his soldiers, crouching down to cup Poe's face in his rough hands. He felt an iron fist wrap around his heart.

“Please, don’t-“ he whispered, as he was raised by his collar and dragged onto the metal table. Poe managed to land a hard punch at the face of the officer. The massive human shook his head in shock when Poe struck him. It had been a long time since Poe had managed to hit one of those bastards back.

The satisfaction he felt was short-lived. The officer gripped his hair and banged his head against the metal table, once, twice, three times. When he let go of him, Poe fell to his knees, the world spinning around him. His hands, when he moved him away from his head, were stained with hot blood which he could feel run down his forehead. Dazed and unstable, the commander was not much trouble for them when they pulled him back on his feet and ripped his clothes to pieces.

Turning him around, the officer bent him over the table and held him down with great ease. He was much heavier and stronger than him. Poe knew he would've been no match for that man even in his good days. Blood from his head dripped onto the metal surface as the man pushed his naked body down with his weight. “I was planning on going easy on you today, pretty boy. If you were good and quiet, I’d prep you first. But rebel sluts like you deserve to be fucked dry.”

He pushed his legs apart with his knee and grabbed his hips firmly to ground him. Entirely unbothered by Poe’s struggle, he started pushing inside him forcefully. His body burned against the intrusion, unprepared and tense as the length of the man forced its way deeper. It took the man three hard thrusts until he was fully seated inside Poe. “Please, st-“ Poe screamed. “Ah!”

“He’s so tight it’s painful.” the man moaned behind him. Poe cried out as he moved out slowly and then pushed back in fully with a single thrust. Pinning him down by the nape of his neck to force him into stillness, he set a punishing pace that had Poe moaning in pain along with the officer's grunts of pleasure. Stinging pain shot up his spine and back with each hard push, the man thrusting him hard onto the table. As he started picking up a faster rhythm, Poe buried his face in his shoulder to muffle his loud cries. He moaned weakly when the officer finally pulled out.

Not losing a moment, the first guard took his place and slid into him. The officer's release, and what Poe thought would certainly be blood, eased his entrance. Poe still struggled underneath him, and the guard wrapped a hand around his neck, pulling him up against his lap. "You're being very feisty today," he whispered in his ear, planting a disgusting wet kiss on his neck. "I love it."

Another kiss on his left shoulder turned into a vicious bite, and Poe pushed him away with a yelp. The guard manhandled him onto his back, pulling his knees apart roughly and pinning his wrists above his head.

The other guard held his earpiece. "Sir, we have to be quiet. We're waking people up."

"Tell them we're performing an interrogation," the officer replied.

The man inside Poe gripped his chin, forcing him to look into his blue eyes as he moved inside him at a growing pace. “Bring me the stun baton,” he said. "Let's wake the whole base up."

With that, he placed the stun baton against Poe's ribcage and turned it on at a high level. Poe released a desperate scream as his body tensed around the man. The others leaned closer to them, amused by Poe's agony and by the discovery of this new game. "Oh, stars, you have to try this!" the guard grunted, turning the stun baton back on. Poe spasmed on the table, shocks running through him.

Their laughter died off suddenly. The man inside him froze as he followed the gaze of the other two. The door had slid open quietly, and Poe wondered just how long it had been open.

Admiral Nova stood before them, taking in the elements of the scene with a shocked expression. She was still in her military attire, but her hair was loose and tangled, as if she had fallen asleep in her uniform. The men scoffed playfully, smiling at each other like children caught red-handed by their nanny. Poe looked at her with tearful eyes. Shame soared over him at being seen at this state. He released a choked sob and shut his eyes.

“Admiral!“ the officer laughed, extending his hands. “Will you join us? It’s not easy to get him hard, but I think we can manage.”

That seemed to pull her out of her trance. She stared at the man with wide eyes, as if she hadn't understood him. They remained there, entirely quiet, for a few moments. The possibility of her joining them brought bile up Poe's throat. "Don't." he whispered brokenly, his mind traveling back to the day in the dining room. _I will try to make things easier you now that I'm here_ , she had said. She had _promised_. Poe felt so pathetic for even thinking back to that promise.

She raised her hand slowly, her eyes fixed on the officer. There was silence for one moment, in which the man stared at his friends quizzically. Then, the guard inside Poe started screaming, flying away from the table as if he had been shot. The men grasped their heads and fell onto their knees, screaming in unison with the officer. Poe curled in on himself on the table, watching them in confusion as they slid onto the floor in agony. Nova reached out and grabbed him by the shoulder, pulling him onto his shaking feet.

Without a second look back, she dragged him with her down the corridor, walking fast and anxiously as he tried to catch up with her. People watched them through open doors, disoriented from their sleep. She waved her hand around and all doors closed shut at the same moment, throwing the spectators inside.

Only after they had reached her bedroom did they stop running. She opened the door and threw Poe on the narrow bed. The door banged shut behind her and she started pacing around the room, pulling her own hair back forcibly. Her gaze met his for a single moment, and Poe saw hot searing rage lighten her eyes up. _The Dark Side,_ Poe immediately thought, and though he wasn't sure how he knew, he was sure that he had just gotten a direct look at it. He recoiled into the corner, his chest heaving with sobs.

Banging her feet as she walked, Nova disappeared behind another door and returned with a bucket of steaming water and a towel. Kneeling by the bed, she pulled him close to her and started passing the towel over his body. Her teeth were gritted, and her movements were firm yet careful. She washed his face and shoulder with warm water, draining the towel of blood after each part. When she brought the towel between his legs, it came out dark red with blood and semen. She winced. “H-Has-“ she stopped to clear her throat. “Has this happened before?” she forced his thighs apart, thoroughly washing away the blood.

“Admiral,” Poe silently cried.

“Answer me!” she snapped.

“Yes,” he replied, the lump in his throat threatening to turn him into a crying mess once more.

“Does it happen often?”

“Yes.”

She continued down his legs, wiping away small trails of blood and raising his legs to reach behind him. “Does Hux know about this?” she asked tightly.

Poe’s mind traveled to nights spent bound naked on the General’s bed, dreading the moment the door would open and Hux would walk inside. _It’s been such a stressful day_ , he'd sigh, his hands traveling down Poe’s body. “Hux was the first man to-“ his voice choked and he almost gagged at the very thought of those nights. “The first to ever-“ 

She shook her head as if trying to send the mental images away. “Has Kylo Ren ever done this to you?”

"No,"

“Has he ever watched it happen?”

“I don’t think so.”

Her gaze traveled to the wall, and she held the towel against his groin. Her voice was a whisper. “Has Snoke ever done this to you?”

“No!” Poe replied, repulsed and shocked by the thought. His heart started banging in his chest. He had never even considered the possibility of such a thing happening. The Admiral reached out to hold his hand as panic overwhelmed him. “Snoke wouldn’t-“ he cried.

“No, no, no, he wouldn’t.” she hurried to reassure him, unconvincingly. “He wouldn’t.”

She threw the towel on the bowl and tightened her grip on his hand. The effect of the Force ran up and down his body like a scanner, easing the pain and nausea momentarily, but fading away the more Poe panicked. The veins in the Admiral's hands were popping out angrily, but her touch was gentle. “I’m so sorry for yelling to you. I'm such a fool!“ she got up abruptly. “What am I even doing? I have to get you to the medics.”

“No, please!” he stuttered, refusing to let go of her and instead lurching forward to stop her. “Sometimes one of the medics...There is one of them who sometimes…”

She froze as she studied his face. “A medic has assaulted you?” she asked carefully.

_Why was she making him speak of it?_

“Yes,” he whispered, so low he wasn’t sure she heard him.

She knelt back down slowly, disentangling her hands from his. She hid her face in her palms and remained quiet. The water in the bowl had turned a deep red, the towel now staining inside it. Poe felt more tears flow down his cheeks, and in the silence, his attempts to not start crying again echoed loud and ugly. When she looked up at him again, her gaze had softened. She smiled sadly, a forced and stiff smile. “Don’t cry. You’ll feel better soon,” she said softly, wiping a trail of blood off his forehead. “Do you want me to run you a shower?”

He nodded, and she guided him out of the room and into her shower. She tested the water, which came down the shower head steaming hot. Lingering over his side, she urged him to enter the shower. Supported by Nova, running her hand up and down his back comfortingly, Poe stepped under the shower. The warmth of the water made him release a deep sigh. He hadn’t had a hot shower in months, and he felt the warmth soar through his frail skin and ease the muscles of his body.

She secured him with an arm around his waist, bracing herself against the wall as he rested his weight on her. She was fully dressed, and her uniform was already soaked wet. He raised his head and felt the water trail down his face and hair. Nova spread a generous amount of soap on her hands and started washing his shoulders and chest. With closed eyes, Poe leaned into her touch, resting his head against on the crook of her neck. She massaged over his clavicle, his chest, and down his abdomen. He gritted his teeth when she moved on his groin, quickly washing over his genitals. In the end, she just held him steadily under the hot water for a few minutes. Poe felt the water trail down his chest and back, and he sighed deeply into her neck.

“Come on, let’s get you dry.” she eventually said.

She patted him dry with a towel and then stood before him, inspecting his forehead and shoulder. She stitched his forehead cut up quickly and painlessly. Once she cut his stitches, she reached over and applied a bacta sticker on the area. She applied a generous amount on the bite on his shoulder, massaging it onto his skin. Then, she coated her fingers and moved her hand towards his groin. Poe grabbed her hand firmly, with pleading eyes. “Please,” he whispered.

She looked at him apologetically. “I have to. You’re bleeding,” she said as she broke free of his grip. “I promise to make it as painless as possible.”

He grabbed hold of both her hands again. “Please, I don’t want to.”

She looked at him for a long moment. Then, sighing deeply, she washed her hands clean. “Fine,” she muttered, gripping his shoulders reassuringly.

It was the first time since he had been captured that someone was responding to his pleas.

She led him back onto the room and in front of the fireplace, where two large armchairs laid before the fire. Poe gathered his feet up, and she wrapped a heavy black blanket over him, taking the seat next to him. He gathered his remaining strength and whispered, his voice frail and strained. “Admiral-”

She shook her head, staring into the fire with haunted eyes. “I don’t want to hear it, Commander." she turned to look into his eyes for the first time since she had appeared inside the room. "I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am _so_ sorry.” her hand moved to grip his knee. "And I'll never let it happen again."

What he wouldn't give for such a thing to be true.

Poe laid back against the armchair and settled for the warmth of the fire and the blanket, for the grounding presence of Admiral Nova and her powerful Force, pushing him back against the cushions and dimming his vision, keeping his mind away from ugly thoughts. In fact keeping his mind sedated and pliant, unable to focus on a single thought long enough for it to affect him. Poe was gradually losing consciousness, and he wasn't feeling a bit panicked or afraid of it. 

Surely he would lose his mind.

The door opened abruptly, and Nova shot up to her feet. Poe tensed up and pulled the blanket over his body.

Kylo Ren surged in, black capes flowing and mask glinting over the fire. His gaze turned to Poe. “What do you think you’re doing, Nova? This is not your pet. He belongs to Hux.”

She glared at him. “You’re disgusting.”

“You don’t have the authorization to stop interrogations,” he said, undisturbed.

"Interrogations?" she yelled, her voice venomous. She got up and paced towards Ren threateningly. “Do you know that I found him getting raped by three of your men?”

Kylo Ren took a step back. He looked at Poe, taken aback. His eyes lingered on the bite on his shoulder. He seemed to be at a loss of words, staring at Poe and then back at Nova helplessly. “I had no idea,” he said. “I’ll have Hux reprimand them!”

“Hux?” she scoffed. She moved behind Poe and pushed his head forward by the nape of his neck. “Look into his mind and see what Hux does!”

“I don’t need to see anything!” Ren growled.

Poe’s heart was hammering. She released him and ran her fingers through his damp hair apologetically.

Ren shook his head at the sight before him. “You’ll have to stomach this, Nova. Do you have any idea what Snoke will do if he finds out you’re protecting him?” he asked. “He'll make you cut him open with your bare hands.”

“I am not protecting anyone, Ren.” she complained. “Even you understand that we can't stand for this. Snoke won’t know that this is mercy. I will convince him with your help.”

He laughed humorlessly. "Lie to the Supreme Leader for your sake? Why would I do that?”

“Because I know who keeps you up at nights.” she hissed.

A stunned silence fell between them. Nova smiled victoriously, evidently satisfied by his reaction. “If Snoke makes me cut the Commander open, imagine what he will make you do to that little jinx if he finds out you reach out to her, to the _Light_ -"

He surged forward, gripping her chin with his gloved hand. Despite her height, Kylo Ren was still a towering man before her. His voice came out distorted and enraged through the mask. "You won't say a word about this!”

“If you want that, you will offer me your unyielding support in front of Snoke and-“ she pulled away from his grip. “You will keep that perverted bastard, Hux, away from me.”

He huffed. “How am I supposed to do that? He's monitoring your every move!”

“I know," she snapped. "So figure it out, Ren. You’ve done harder things.”

She paused, and her gaze travelled back at Poe, who had been entirely quiet during the whole conversation, braced against the armchair, eyeing Kylo Ren anxiously. Ren followed her gaze, and for a moment, both he and the Admiral stared at him unreadably. Finally, the Admiral said tiredly. “Leave now.”

Kylo Ren collected himself and walked out of the door. At the exit, he stopped and turned back at them. “Nova, for what it’s worth-“ he paused. “I really didn’t know. This kind of thing...I'd never let it happen-.”

Nova looked at him. "Now is your chance to stop it." she interrupted. "And Ren? If this is what the First Order has become..."

Kylo Ren waited. "What?"

She shook her head but never finished her sentence.


	4. The Assignment

When Nova received notice that the Supreme Leader was calling her to him, ‘along with the pilot you stole, Admiral’, she just nodded tiredly, watching the fire with glassy eyes, having been expecting the order for quite some time.

She and Poe hadn’t slept through the rest of the night. After Kylo Ren left, Poe had remained bundled under his blanket, tiptoeing around the barrier of sleep but never quite allowing himself to fall unconscious, his remaining reasoning abilities warning him to keep an eye on the woman beside him. The Admiral had long stopped trying to comfort him and was instead in the process of studying a map on the chair behind him, staring into a point of the paper blankly as if she was not truly seeing it, just resting her eyes on it.

“Tell the Supreme Leader I’ll be there at once.” she replied to the hologram. “Ready or not…” she added as she stood up.

She handed Poe a pile of black clothes, and he nodded awkwardly. As he removed the blanket, the Admiral turned to look away. He slid onto the trousers, his eyes never leaving her back. Her turning around was a gesture which he knew was ridiculously pretentious. The woman who had stopped his rape and showered his body, now trying to be discreet. Still, he felt a sense of dignity that he hadn’t experienced in so many months, that he sometimes feared he’d never be able to feel again after everything that had happened. It almost brought a smile to his lips.

As he raised his hands over his head to get into his shirt, he felt her hands pulling it down over his back. Quietly, she knelt down and held a shoe before him.

“No, I can-“

“Just put it on.” she interrupted him flatly. He wore the shoe, and then she placed it on her thigh and started tying his lashes.

Poe was suddenly struck by the memory of his mother from when he was around five years old. Right after they had gotten out of her jet, she had helped him down the seat and, noticing his shoe, had knelt to tie his lashes, smiling at him with warm brown eyes.

Only this time there weren’t warm brown eyes that were looking at his, but dark red ones. He was overcome with a deep melancholy, and he quickly looked away, his eyes watering at the memories.

Part of him was thankful that his mother was dead. It was an ugly, small part that cowered in the darkness inside him, but it wouldn’t leave him no matter how hard he willed it away. As a child, he'd constantly daydream about his mother magically returning from the dead. Even as an adult, he would sometimes allow himself to picture scenarios of what he would tell her about his life, about what he had achieved, and about how excited and proud she’d have been.

Those daydreams had long stopped. If ever by some miracle Poe had to face his mother again, he knew he wouldn’t manage to bring himself to look her in the eyes.

Nova gripped his calf. “It’s alright,” was all she said. It was unclear whether she had read his thoughts or just observed the emotion in his face, and he was too exhausted to bother.

She got back up and brushed her hair, tying it above her head with the ornament of the First Order symbol. Then, much to Poe’s surprise, she reached over and started brushing his hair. He hadn’t combed through them in all these months. They never let it get too long, but it had become a mess of tangled curls that she was now trying to detangle, gently moving it back away from his face.

Drawing in a deep breath, she cupped his face in her hands. “Listen to me now,” she started. “You will not speak of what I've told you about the Resistance and the First Order. And you will not resist me, no matter what I say or do.”

“I won’t.” he hurried to say.

She sighed heavy-heartedly. “I know you won’t.”

Mellowed by her affection, it took Poe a few seconds to realize that he was not being advised but willed by the Force. A shudder ran up his spine at how easy it had been for her to get through him. He glared to the ground. The Admiral released him. “I know you’re tired. I don’t like doing it, I really don’t. But there is no room for mistakes. If the Supreme Leader thinks that I am protecting you, he’ll make me do horrible things to you.”

He nodded curtly, furious with himself over the fact that he was feeling somehow betrayed. _You’re being childish and ungrateful_ , he told himself. _You have to trust someone in order to feel betrayed_.

Nova placed a hand on his chest firmly, emphasizing each word. “And then, he’ll do horrible things to me. And there will be no one left here to help you.”

He forced his grudgingness away. “Thank y-“

“We have to go now,”

***

The voices of Hux and Ren travelled in the empty corridor, and Nova shot Poe a last warning glance before pushing him inside the room. The loud argument died out as soon as they entered the room.

Hux and Ren turned to look at them under the watchful gaze of Snoke, catching Nova’s eyes the moment she walked in. They stopped between the two men, Poe standing petrified before the Supreme Leader as Nova pushed him in front of his throne. Hux fixed the collar of his shirt smugly, flashing the Admiral a poisonous smile. She smiled back at the General, her gaze travelling to Ren’s exposed face momentarily. The three of them exchanged venomously complacent smiles for a few quiet moments, in which the two men and the Supreme Leader realized that Nova was not planning on explaining herself on her own.

“Dearest girl,” Snoke scolded, his voice unexpectedly tender. “When you stopped the whipping at the gala, I allowed it because you were the guest of honor, and your entertainment was our main concern for the night.”

The Admiral immediately surged forward. “Supreme Leader, I’ve served the Force my whole life. I’ve fought many battles and defeated enemies much worthier than myself. I’m an admiral of a fleet so great-“

“Nova!” Snoke roared in wrath. “If you dare say that this is beneath us one more time, I’ll make you pay for your insolence!”

Her voice rose abruptly. “Besides being spiteful cowards who torture men for entertainment, we’re also repulsing perverts who take pleasure in raping prisoners and calling it interrogation!”

“This isn’t a slave that we picked up at a battle, this is Leia Organa’s right hand! He has seen the map to Luke Skywalker, and we will get that information out of him with whatever means necessary! You of all people know how much we need this map, and you go and stop the interrogations by attacking two stormtroopers and one of your own officers!” Snoke shot up from his seat. “My child, you force my hand!”

The man’s rage had petrified the four of them. Hux and Ren bowed their heads and took several steps back. Nova lost her confident façade, recoiling in alarm and starring at the floor with wide eyes. After a terrible moment of silence, she clasped her hands over her neck, vainly trying to draw air.

 _He’ll do horrible things to me_ , her voice echoed in Poe’s head as fear coiled around his heart, _and then there will be no one here to help you._

The Supreme Leader fell back to his throne, and Nova dropped to her knees before him, blood-stained tears streaming down her face. Poe stood by her side in shock, his anxiety and helplessness not easing off despite seeing her finally drawing in a breath. “Have I not been loyal to you?” she asked, her voice so raw with sorrow that Poe was unsure whether she was still giving a performance.

“Yet you chose to move against me,” Snoke replied, his voice anguished. “Why stop the interrogation last night? If you didn’t like the sight of it, why not close the door and return to your room? Nova, if you truly have sympathy for this rebel, I’ll have to remind you of your duty to the Dark Side.”

She drew in a deep breath, collecting herself. Her voice was slightly shaky, but she smiled tentatively. “Supreme Leader, I am so ashamed of my behavior that I can hardly bring myself to explain…I know that the Dark Side has…” her eyes travelled over Snoke’s form. “ _elevated_ you beyond the grasp of bodily desires. But regretfully, I must admit that I’m not that strong. I’m bound by my drives, sometimes more flesh than spirit.”

As Poe registered the words spoken in her overly dramatic tone, he had to drown out the urge to laugh. Hux walked back at his place, staring at Nova with comical shock. Through the corner of his eye, he saw Kylo Ren roll his eyes to the wall. Surely the Supreme Leader of the First Order wouldn't fall for such a ridiculous excuse.

Snoke stared at her quizzically. “You are telling me you desire the pilot,” he concluded. Then, he set his gaze on Poe. He felt the urge to take a step back but found himself constrained by an invisible hold, Snoke’s or Nova’s, he didn’t know. His insides turned as Snoke’s soulless eyes bore into him. “I understand the appeal.” he eventually said, his comment raising nausea in Poe’s stomach. “Yet I never took you for a hedonist.”

The Admiral shrugged. “I enjoy the good things in life.”

“What is it that you’re saying?” Snoke asked, his voice now having acquired a humorous note. “That you stopped the interrogation on account of…What? Jealousy? Rivalry?”

Kylo Ren laughed unconvincingly, yet Snoke still joined him. Nova shook her head lightheartedly, as if she was being teased by a couple of friends. Hux wasn’t affected by the change in the mood. His gloved hands had tightened into firsts while she spoke, and Poe tried to ignore the feeling of his eyes on his back. 

The Supreme Leader shifted in his throne, moving out of his defensive stance. “Sometimes I forget how young you are…Child, if this were any other man, I’d let you have him. But Poe Dameron is simply too valuable. I cannot hand him over to your caring hands to satisfy a whim, even if it’s the whim of my dearest student.”

She rose back to her feet with an assertive smirk. “I understand that, Supreme Leader. I’d never compromise the plans of the First Order for my own personal benefit.” she arched her eyebrows, turning to the two men. “But, Commander Dameron has been here, how long now? General, Kylo?”

Ren looked at the General expectedly. “Soon to be eight months.” Hux murmured.

“I see. And, General, in this time, what information have you retracted from him concerning the Resistance and the whereabouts of Luke Skywalker?”

Hux gritted his teeth. His voice was icy cold, more threatening than reassuring. “ _Everyone_ breaks, sooner or later.”

She scoffed offensively. “Later, Luke Skywalker will appear before us with a new Jedi apprentice, a girl who defeated the Commander of the Knights of Ren himself.”

Kylo Ren lost his words at the mention of Rey. “It’s true that General Hux has been greatly unsuccessful in this task.”

Hux’s eyes widened. “I have-“

Snoke silenced him with a wave of his hand, his gaze on the Admiral. “You are disciplined, Nova. You can be severely cruel, I've seen with my own eyes just how much. But I’ve known you since you were a girl, and I know that you could never be a torturer. You’re too proud for that sort of thing.”

“I’m no torturer indeed,” she conceded. “But I do have the Force. General Hux wouldn’t know the Force if it walked and punched him in the face.”

“General Hux doesn’t need the Force. Kylo Ren himself hasn’t been able to retract information from the pilot. The barrier that Princess Organa has established, along with his undying stubbornness, block the Force.”

“But Ren and I handle the Force very differently,” she stated simply, Poe still stupidly unaware of what she was suggesting.

Snoke eyed both her and Ren thoughtfully, nodding his head. “That’s very true. Kylo Ren,” he gestured at Poe. “Make an effort.”

Poe barely had time to brace himself against the attack as he felt the charge of the Force inside his mind. Pressure pushed him to the ground, a constantly growing intensity which turned more and more tormenting with each passing moment. He clutched his hair in his hands and fell to his knees, silent in the face of terror. Leia herself had taught him to resist them. For all the pain he’d been through, he knew this much: he’d die before Kylo Ren got back inside his mind.

“Stop!” Nova ordered, and Poe snapped back to reality as the Force retracted from his mind, the pressure leaving him abruptly. Out of breath, he began to push himself back to his feet, when Nova moved to tower over him, nudging Kylo Ren away. “You’re a waste of the Force.” she hissed as she extended her hand towards Poe. He managed a panicked look at her before the Force pushed him flat against the floor.

Nova’s breach was different that Kylo Ren’s in the worst ways possible. It wasn't like pressure, but rather like acid burning inside him, crawling its way around the corners of his mind. It did not fluctuate or change, but instead kept him paralyzed with agony through the duration of the attack. Images of battles and councils, of rebels and enemies, flashed before his eyes, his mind taking a route of thought that he knew she was directing.

Snoke’s voice rose over the chaos in his mind. “You’re not utilizing all your power!”

The intensity of the burn increased, and Poe writhed soundlessly on the floor. Above him, Nova’s hands hovered in the air lifelessly. Her eyes were wide open, starring straight at him, _through_ him. “I see a room,” she whispered eerily. “And in that room, I see a map.”

A moment of collective shock.

 _I deserve death_ , was the single thought that crossed Poe’s mind.

Kylo Ren surged forward. “Where does the map lead?”

“Push him further!” Snoke ordered.

Nova murmured slowly. “I see a path which spreads beyond the Outer Rim. I see the Unknown Regions.”

Poe’s silent struggle ended with an agonized scream. “No!”

He heard a grunt and a thud, and the pain was gone.

 _This can’t be happening_ , he thought.

Slowly, he raised his head to look around him. The Admiral had dropped to the ground, rubbing her temples. Her skin was pale and drenched in sweat. Kylo Ren hovered over her. “We already knew that he’s in the Unknown Regions! What else did you see?”

“Impossible,” Snoke murmured in awe.

Nova pushed herself up onto her elbows with obvious difficulty. “Princess Leia has outdone herself. Yet should we expect less from the daughter of Darth Vader?”

“What else did you see?” Ren repeated impatiently.

“Nothing. I saw nothing beyond that point,” she said as she rose to her feet. “But, Supreme Leader, I can go there. If you give me the time I need, I can lead you straight to Luke Skywalker.”

It didn’t seem hard for Snoke to make his decision. “You’ll have anything you need. From this day forward, the pilot is your prisoner.”

Invisible hands pulled Poe to his feet and straight onto Nova’s grip. She held his arm firmly. “General Hux is of course released from this task,” she said questioningly. “I have no use for him.”

The man protested immediately. “I am General of this army-“

“Hux should focus on facing the Resistance rather than toying around with prisoners,” Ren remarked coldly.

“A fine point, apprentice.” Snoke agreed. “General, you no longer need concern yourself with Commander Dameron’s interrogation. Admiral Nova is responsible for him now.”

Hux turned to Nova, and she raised her eyebrows at him as if daring him to protest against Snoke’s decision.

If he planned to, he was not even given the chance. “We have wasted too much time with this business,” Snoke said definitively. “That’ll be all for now,”

Nova bowed once more before pulling Poe away with her. They had almost reached the door when Snoke called out behind her. “I expect the best from you.”

She inclined her head. “I will not disappoint you.”

***

The walk back to Nova’s quarters was surreal for Poe. He was trying to analyze what had happened through the fog of exhaustion and the intense headache that the Force attack had left behind. Her hard grip on his arm had softened as soon as they exited Snoke’s throne room, but she didn’t speak a word to him.

Hux walked right behind them, and though Poe couldn’t see him and he didn’t even have the Force, he could feel his rage loom over them like a dark cloud. Nova continued undisturbed, urging Poe to keep walking with a hand on his back. Fear gripped his heart, and he could tell that Nova was not exempt from concern, because she started picking up her pace.

They were outside her chambers when the man eventually caught up to them. He blocked their entry with his body, causing both of them to take a step back. “What about my men?”

“What about them?”

Hux’s irritation grew at her indifference. “The medic says they have sustained brain injuries. When will they awake?”

Nova raised her shoulder. “I honestly don’t know, Armitage. Could be in two days, could be in two years.”

“Two y-“ he choked. “What have you done to them?”

“You wouldn’t understand the power of the Force, so stop wasting my time,” she answered. “Get out of my way now.”

He pointed at Nova threateningly. “You will not disrespect me in that manner!” he yelled.

Poe flinched away at his shout, and Nova stepped in front of him. She stared steadily into Hux’s eyes. “Do you think that I care about you or your little band of incompetent slaves? I’m only here in the first place because you can’t seem to win a single battle. Even with the Republic dead, the Resistance has been playing you. You cannot hide your inadequacy anymore. Your days in the First Order are numbered.” she stepped forward, now only breathing distance away from the man. “It’s written all over you.”

For all the empty words, Hux seemed to be gravely affected. He took a step back as if he had been hit. Without a second thought, Nova pulled Poe inside the room with her, and the door closed behind them, leaving Hux standing helplessly on the corridor.

Poe stood still for a moment, part of him waiting for the man to open the door and take him back with him.

The Admiral crossed the room with a self-satisfied smirk, raising a bottle and pouring a thick, red liquid into two cups. She handed one to Poe and raised hers in a toast, smiling brightly. “To our first victory of many secret victories to come!”

Poe held the steaming cup in his hands but didn’t return the smile or respond to the toast. “What…“ he paused, a lump forming in his throat, not truly willing to hear the answer to his question. “What did you see?”

“Nothing,” she replied with a casual shrug. “I promise you, I saw nothing. Were my acting skills so impeccable that even you believed me?”

“Luke Skywalker _is_ in the Unknown Regions,” Poe said shakily.

“Commander, even the trees know that Luke Skywalker is in the Unknown Regions,” she complained. “Don’t tell me you’re suddenly afraid of me. I don’t know if you noticed, but I risked my life to convince the Supreme Leader to put you under my guard.”

Poe glanced at her uneasily. “It seemed as if you’re truly loyal to him.”

She lowered her cup and the smile faded away from her lips. Her voice was gravely serious. “I _am_ truly loyal to him. He may not understand it, but his power itself depends on the survival of the Light.”

“On the survival of…” he hesitated. “Luke Skywalker?”

“Luke Skywalker is the only thing keeping the Jedi alive, and only the Jedi can guard the Light,” she stated, shaking her head in resignation and turning her back on him, seemingly decided that she couldn’t communicate with him. She downed a large gulp of her beverage. “Drink this.”

“What is it?” he asked cautiously.

“It’s just wine,” she sighed. “Believe me, if I wanted to hurt you, I wouldn’t go for poison.”

She sounded irritated, exasperated by his reaction. Blood was pounding on Poe’s temples. An ache spread from the back of his head down to his spine. His eyes were fluttering closed. He glared at her. “I believe you.”

Remorse suddenly spread across her features. Her brows furrowed as she studied his face. “I know how you’re feeling right now. This’ll calm you down and ease the effect of the Force.”

Poe tried a small sip. It had a rich flavor, warm and sweet, with the light burning tang of alcohol. Its taste was very welcoming to him. Nova sat down on her bed and patted on the space beside her. Tentatively, he took the place next to her and continued drinking.

Nova eventually started talking. “I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. But you should stop worrying. I really didn’t see the map.”

He didn’t reply, unsure if he could believe her. He continued drinking. As soon as he was done, she took the cup from his hands. “Get some sleep,” she advised.

“Here?” he glanced at her in confusion. “In your bed?”

“Here,” she said, and she turned to push him down against the mattress with her hand on his chest.

Nova pulled a heavy blanket over him, and Poe clutched it against his body. He felt the bed shift as she lifted off it.

The lights in the room went out. All that was left illuminating it was the fire that had almost faded away. His body was sinking against the mattress, his muscles thanking him for the comfort of laying somewhere that was not the floor. He was losing track of time, keeping his eyes closed shut in the hope of forcing himself to sleep, but jolting to alarm when he felt he was losing consciousness.

He couldn’t see her, but he knew she was still there. He heard the whisper above his head. “Do you want me to help you?”

He was desperate for sleep. The few hours he had gotten before the assault seemed terribly far. The never-ending turn of events made him long for the peace and quiet of unconsciousness. But was he really going to ask her to use the Force on him? He had experienced it to its full glory before, and it was the very thing that was jolting him awake now. He was drunk or sedated, but he had enough willpower to refuse the help of the Dark Side.

Didn’t he?

“I don’t know…” he finally murmured.

“Don’t be afraid.” she said. “I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

Poe decided that he wasn’t going to protest, and he wasn’t given the chance to either, because Nova ran her knuckles over his cheek gently, and her figure started fading away, a soft buzz echoing in his ears as he fell into depthless darkness.


	5. The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a filler chapter. I hate to dump backstory, but I need to flesh out my original character a bit. Please bear with me.  
> 

Poe’s sleep was a long, dreamless sequence which seemed to never end. He woke up several times during the night, disoriented and dizzy in the warmth under the covers, opening his eyes for a few seconds to look around the dark room and falling asleep just as fast. One of those times, he opened his eyes to find the Admiral hunched over him, reapplying bacta on the bite on his shoulder. He was vaguely aware that she was telling him something, but he couldn’t keep himself awake, and once he closed his eyes, he drifted away. The next time he woke up, he was on his stomach, his face buried on the pillow. The fire was out, the room now emerged in complete darkness, Poe’s eyes vainly trying to adjust before he closed them again.

When he woke up under the light, his mind was sluggishly trying to catch up with him, still nebulous and slow. The space around him reminded him of his room in the Resistance base, the narrow bed, the long desk with the papers piled up chaotically, the maps over its walls. For a split second, he couldn’t remember where he was.

It was a short-lived joy. He fluttered his eyes open, his vision gradually clearing and revealing Admiral Nova standing on the door with a hand on her hips. He stared at her with blurry eyes and she raised her hands in exasperation. “Stars, it’s been _thirteen hours_! I thought you were going to die in your sleep!”

Rubbing his eyes, Poe slowly rose to a half-seated position. He hadn’t slept for more than four consecutive hours in all these months, and it was exceptionally rare that he’d wake up on his own and not by a boot on his stomach. She approached him, tilting his chin up with her hand. Though she was joking, she did seem slightly concerned as she searched his face. “How are you feeling?”

The wound on his forehead was spreading a dull pain on his skull, his muscles were tight and sore, his spine fired up with each move he made. All in all, a very good day for him by First Order standards. “It’s been so long since I felt well-rested,” he murmured, his voice gravelly from sleep, more an observation than a reply.

She nodded. “Good enough.” she murmured, her fingers now tracing the cut on his forehead. Poe hissed as she passed her fingertips over it, and she withdrew her hand. “I hate that I can’t let you rest any longer, but you must accompany me at dinner.”

He looked up dumbly, not quite following her.

“It’s important that we’re seen together,” she explained. “Things are quite tense between the officers and me. They don’t appreciate the fact that they’ve reassigned your interrogation to someone only Snoke trusts, and Hux is certainly looking for reasons to complain about how I do my work.”

He removed the covers and slowly got up, his vision darkening momentarily as he did, dizziness taking over him. He changed into a fresh shirt and allowed Nova to guide him to the diner room.

They walked across the base quietly, Poe keeping his gaze fixed forward whenever someone approached them. The dinner hall was silent, whispers coming from the tables. Once inside the private room, Nova closed the curtains, turning to look at him through the dimness of the room. Breaking her gaze, Poe knelt on the floor. She snapped at him immediately. “Hey, don’t!”

“What?” he stuttered.

“Get up, commander,” she cringed. “Gross.”

“Are you sure?” he asked carefully.

“Am I sure I don’t want a man eating at my feet? Yeah, I’m sure.” she rolled her eyes. “Let me worry about those things. I’ll sense anyone who comes close.”

He took a place near her on the couch. It felt strange to be sitting next to her, to be sitting next to anyone in a table inside the First Order base. She poured him a glass of wine and pushed a bowl of steaming soup over to his side. He brought the spoon to his mouth. The soup had a mild, herbal taste, and the warmth was soothing on Poe’s sore throat. He started eating slowly, and Nova finally stopped watching him and started eating as well. When she looked away, Poe managed to steal a few glimpses of her. She swallowed a large gulp of wine. “Do you want to ask me something?”

“No.” he hurried to say, eyes snapping back to his plate.

“I feel like you’ve been wanting to ask me something these days.” she insisted, her tone relaxed.

Poe took a sip of his own wine, using as much time as he could have. “Can’t you hear the questions?”

“I can, at times.” she conceded. “But it’s not the same. I want us to discuss certain things.”

Poe ignored the anxiety which crept up inside him. She was offering to speak, and he had no reason to believe he’d be punished for asking.

“Since Snoke is your master, and you’re loyal to him, why are you not searching for the map to Luke Skywalker?”

Nova finished her glass. She was eating very little and drinking much. “As long as the Light and the Dark don’t outweigh one another, there is no need for anyone to die.”

Another vague statement which could never be enough to ease Poe's fear. These long speeches about chaos and balance were incomprehensible. He nodded to himself, not turning to look at her as he asked the next question. “Why are you helping me?”

“Not this again!” she complained.

“You’ve been so merciful.” he interrupted her, his voice cracking. “I never thought I’d be treated with kindness and decency by a First Order admiral. In all these months, no one has ever approached me with good intent, no one has ever touched me without intending to hurt me.” 

She took a few moments to contemplate his words, her eyes roaming over his body. Poe suddenly felt very exposed under her gaze, as if she hadn’t realized all those things until he said them, and she was just now seeing how horribly he had been treated. A sudden sadness took over her features.

“Is it so hard to believe that I am who I am, and I still want to protect you?” she asked gently. “We all have dark moments, commander, and we’re all capable of great kindness. Kylo Ren has the capacity for good. Supreme Leader Snoke, who you fear so much, has revived me from the brink of death more times than I can count. They’ve both done horrible things. I know how easy it is to reject people. You rebels cannot forgive the slightest mistakes.”

“The Resistance forgives!” he protested.

“It doesn’t.” she snapped, banging her glass at the table. Poe drew back, a slight tremor going through him. She stared at him with wide eyes. When she spoke, her voice was a venomous hiss. “My mother always said rebels are noble. When my brother started channelling the Dark Side, the Resistance immediately tracked us down. He was seventeen years old, he had merely stumbled upon the Dark Side, and he wasn’t deep in it, he had never harmed anyone!” her voice rose dangerously. “Without a trial, without an explanation, they stopped our ship and they butchered him like an animal. My parents begged for his life until they threw him dead at our feet.”

Poe looked down, suddenly feeling sick. It was true that rebels had killed innocents due to vague suspicions over the years. It was true that rebels considered the use of the Dark Side alone enough to condemn anyone. There was a large portion amongst them who feared the Dark Side more than they feared evil and corruption itself.

Poe used to belong to that last portion of rebels.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, struggling to find words. “That shouldn’t have happened. Why…Why did your brother use the Dark Side?”

Her glare petrified him. He hurried to explain himself as she downed a whole glass of wine, seemingly trying to control her nerves or distract herself before she lashed out. “I’m not saying he deserved-“

“ _Power is power_.” she spat. “Good and evil don’t play by our rules. The Dark Side is only dark because you choose to call it that. It’s only dangerous because you fear it so much!”

His voice was low and defeated in contrast with hers. “I know that there’ve been bad people on the side of the Light.”

“It’s good to see that you’re finally catching up,” she said, some of the irritation finally lifting off her. The pressure left Poe’s chest as he saw her lay back against the couch. “There have also been good people in the Dark Side. You’ll see that in time. Now eat your soup.”

Poe continued eating, now not daring to lift his eyes off his plate. Beside him, Nova poured herself her fourth glass of wine. She had upset her, he could tell, and she was getting slightly drunk.

If he was going to be imprisoned by this woman, he needed to learn who and what she was. _Always better to know your enemy_ , he told himself, bracing for any kind of reaction as he asked, as casually as he could muster. “Your parents?”

The mixture of alcohol and the desire to gain Poe’s trust made the Admiral very eager to speak.

“They started fading away, inconsolable, rotting for the inside out. They had lost their firstborn in the hands of the people they considered to be the personification of justice. When the First Order came to claim child soldiers, my parents were of the few people on my planet who didn’t struggle. The Supreme Leader opened the door to my house and found me neglected, isolated, my power deteriorating, and he held out his hand and welcomed me in his order.”

“When you say Snoke held out his hand to you…” Poe said, very careful with his wording. “Do you mean that you followed him?”

She snapped out of her daydreaming sequence abruptly. Suddenly looking uneasy, she straightened her back and cleared her throat. “I was eleven years old. I didn’t know what was good for me. I did put up a bit of a fight because I was afraid and I didn’t want to be taken away from my family.” she paused, her brows furrowing. “My parents didn’t protest. They couldn’t keep me with them, and they didn’t _want_ to try. The First Order rid them of a weight they could no longer carry.”

He shook his head. “You’re being too harsh on them. They were grieving. The Resistance had betrayed you, and the First Order must’ve looked like a savior to them.”

“I don’t blame them,” she explained, her voice slurring slightly. “I don’t have children and I never will, but I did have the Force back then, and I could feel the black, hopeless dread in the air of the house. Still, Snoke has been more family to me than my parents ever were.”

 _I should just keep my mouth closed_ , Poe told himself.

 _She can hear you nevertheless_ , another voice in his mind said. _Might as well show her you have guts._

“Snoke didn’t take you out of mercy,” he said as steadily as he could muster. “He saw a force-sensitive child with enough hatred to turn into the perfect weapon, and he kidnapped you, just like he had done with hundreds of Stormtroopers.”

She didn't seem at all surprised or offended by his comment. “I know that.” she agreed simply. “I used to think of myself as some kind of gifted Stormtrooper. I knew that Snoke wasn’t training me out of love. But it was enough for me that I was suffering, and he reached out to me.”

After taking in her words, what had first sounded incomprehensible to Poe now appeared very logical. He did eventually find it in him to shut up. “It’s enough for me too.” he finally said, gaining only a sideways glance from her.

He finished his food and Nova served him another portion. The absence of hunger and thirst was a very welcoming feeling. He watched as she finished another glass of wine and supported her face in her palm.

She knew that he was observing her. “You don’t want to keep your mind too sharp in this place,” she advised him. “Say what you want to say. I can hear that there’s another question, but I’m not in the mood to search.”

He hesitated, tension building up inside him. “Have you been using-“ he faltered. “Some sort of…Mind control on me? Like, have you been directing my thoughts?”

“I have, yes,” she admitted simply, her forwardness surprising him.

“Please, don’t.” he said silently.

A deep sigh left her lips. “I’m doing this for your sake,” she explained, placing her hand over his gently. “Commander, your body is so battered and abused, and yet I shudder before what is happening in your mind. I am not controlling you. I'm merely keeping you calm, away from dark thoughts. And until you’ve healed physically, I think it is best that you let me do this. I won’t cause you any pain.”

Poe lowered his head. “Alright,” he murmured.

 _I don’t believe you_ , he thought, and she scoffed humorlessly as if she had heard him.

“I think I’ve exhausted you,” she said. “You should get some rest.”

***

Poe had slept thirteen hours and had been awake for less than three, yet he was already dragging his legs, his eyes heavy and his head aching, in desperate need of rest.

He sat on the bed and Nova towered above him. She took his face in her hands carefully, and he immediately felt a warm radiation go through him, a buzzing wave of power running from his head to his toes. There was a particularly intense sensation of warmth on the cut on his forehead, where he could almost feel the skin stitch itself together. She closed her eyes tightly to concentrate.

His mind travelled back to what she had told him that evening. He didn’t know why he was feeling so compelled to comfort her, but the thought of a child raised under Snoke’s wing made him sick. “Your parents must’ve been very worried when you came here.”

“They probably didn’t think about it much,” she replied disbelievingly.

“Do you talk to them often?”

She didn’t open her eyes. “They’ve been dead for over twenty years now.”

He blinked at her. He hoped the honesty was evident in his voice. “I’m sorry to hear that. What happened to them?”

She raised her shoulder. “When the First Order returned to my planet, my people decided to fight for their children, or die. They made the mistake of killing the two officers who warned them to stop.” her eyes opened, her gaze stuck on the wall, deeply skeptical. “I don’t know _how_ they died exactly. The way I imagine it, they probably didn’t even leave the house. The First Order burned the planet to the ground. They never stood a chance in the first place.”

Once again, Poe was rendered speechless. He looked at her in horror. “The First Order killed your parents?”

She nodded. And then, noticing his expression, she released a long, sarcastic laugh, looking at him as if he was the slow friend who couldn't get the joke. “Yeah, ironic, isn’t it? First the Resistance, then the First Order.” she turned to him with a wide smile which didn’t reach her eyes. “I spent my whole life asking myself who is worse. Where to put all this hate?”

Poe didn’t say anything else. She finished healing his wound and walked to her desk, opening a file of documents and starting to read with her back turned on him. Poe laid on the bed and wondered how he would ever sleep.

***

He woke up to erratic whispers breaking the silence of the room. His body was freezing underneath the heavy blankets. Through the darkness, he saw the Admiral before the dim fireplace. She was kneeling on the floor, her body curled forward, fingers tangled in her hair, head bent in silent prayer. Her voice came out unnatural and strained. “I beg you now, grant me the strength to resist my master. Don’t force me down a path that I don’t want to take. If I have lost my way, crush me before I commit the ultimate crime.”

Her prayer grew quicker and more silent, and Poe curled in on himself, shutting his eyes tightly. It could be a trick of his tormented mind, but he felt with great certainty that he and Nova were not completely alone in the room. Her chant ended in a desperate breath of air. Silence engulfed the room, in which he heard only his heart banging loudly against his chest. When he heard her voice, he jumped, barely containing his gasp. 

“I was scared too when they first brought me here. Rebels had killed my brother, but I was more afraid of Stormtroopers than of them. More afraid of Snoke than _anyone_ in the world.” she paused, and when she spoke again, Poe heard her voice suddenly very close to him. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”


	6. The Proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, thank you so much if you're still with me! Midterm season is over and my mind is toasted, but I'm going to set a steadier rhythm from now on. Take a shot every time Poe cries or someone falls asleep in this fanfic, I'm a great writer.

After a week under Admiral Nova’s protection, faint flickers of strength sparked in Poe's spirit once more. He found himself falling into a sort of daily routine, in which he laid in bed for hours upon hours, sleeping for an excessive amount of time. Nova left early in the morning while he was asleep and returned at night to take him for dinner, so Poe was all alone for many quiet, calm hours. He woke up and showered and slept again, woke up again and had a meal, walked around the empty room and slept again.

Through all this calm and quiet, his mind sometimes raced where he laid on the sheets hearing only the loud thuds of his heart, jumping at the slightest sound and quite seriously expecting someone to storm in through the door and drag him outside.

But these moments were rare. Most of the time, his mind was slow, dazed, _away from dark thoughts_ , as Nova had promised. And then again, whenever the door did open, it was always her who stormed inside. 

In even rarer moments, he felt disturbed by how calm and relieved he felt whenever the Admiral walked inside the room. They didn’t speak much since the day she had told him about her family. When she returned to the room, she did paperwork on her desk, work which she meticulously gathered and always took with her when she left in the morning. Yet it was incredibly grounding for Poe to have someone just work next to him, as if he was a mere person inside a room, not a prisoner in the darkest, most dangerous place in the Galaxy.

This was not what disturbed Poe the most.

More than having her ground him with her presence, Poe longed to have her _touch_ him. At times he thought he could feel the Force hover around her as she walked past him. He waited for her to return at night and run her hand over his back and ask him how he felt, to brush his hair back to look into his eyes, to place her hand on his shoulder when his mind trailed off to dark places. He found himself transfixed in her long fingers, and his mind travelled to the feeling on the Force running through him, the gentle whir which lifted him off the material world, which was bright and horrible, into a dark, quiet place where he couldn't be reached.

***

In the dream, he was inside his x-wing fighter. He knew he was running away from someone without knowing why or who it was. He was desperate to pick up speed, certain that if he couldn’t escape something terrible would happen. And then he had felt rather than saw Nova’s arrival, and she had wrapped her hands around his chest behind the seat, and Poe felt the Force engulf him, his hands left the wheel and the starfighter spiralled uncontrollably into the void.

And when he woke up with Nova holding his head in her hands, he grabbed her wrist with newfound strength. “What are you doing?” he hissed hoarsely.

She was smiling indistinctively. “Nothing?”

“Were you inside my mind?” he asked, pulling away from her.

“Just heard my name in your dream,” she raised her palms in a display of innocence. She walked to her chair and laid down with a content sigh. “It’s the middle of the night, go back to sleep.”

He remained propped up on his elbows, watching her rub her eyes tiredly. “It’s not right that I’m sleeping in your bed. You haven’t slept in days.”

She raised her shoulders without opening her eyes. “Before I brought you here, I spent the nights tormented by your pain. I’m actually resting better just by seeing you sleep in my bed.” she glanced at him, a smirk spreading on her lips. “Besides, who knows what this rebel might do to me if I let myself fall asleep?”

Poe would be lying if he said he’d never thought of what he could do if she was unconscious in his presence. The answer: not much, but even a little was good enough for him. The card was on the back left pocket of her trousers, granting him access past this door and possibly the entire base. It was a matter of him overpowering her rather than what he would do once he had opened the door. Poe drowned the thoughts, raising a barrier over his mind. He couldn’t afford to think of murder while she was there, though she seemed to be finding the whole conversation amusing, her smirk turning into a wide smile the longer he remained quiet.

“Anyway, you should get some more rest,” she said. “It’s good to see you getting better, good to see most of the pain is gone. One of these days you'll just wake up and feel-“

She paused, her eyes widening in alarm. Poe followed her as she jumped off her seat. Her voice was a frantic whisper “Get on your knees,” she ordered, and he dropped by her feet immediately. Her eyes turned to the door as she placed a hand on his shoulder firmly. “Everything is under control,” she emphasized.

The door opened and Hux strutted inside, freezing the blood on Poe’s veins.

“Admiral,” he greeted Nova icily, not even glancing at Poe.

“General,” Nova inclined her head watchfully. “What brings you here at this hour?”

Uninvited, he walked to stand in front of her, trapping Poe between their feet. When Poe's eyes met his, he lowered his gaze and pushed back against Nova. Hux locked his hands behind his back. “Do you have the recordings?”

Nova smiled fakely, narrowing her eyes at him. “I thought I’d made myself clear. I’m not playing games with the Resistance. I’m not recording my interrogations.”

Hux narrowed his eyes back at her. “And _I_ thought Supreme Leader Snoke specifically ordered you to do so. What am I to send to the Resistance now?”

Poe gasped audibly at the mention of the Resistance, something which made both Hux and Nova turn their attention to him momentarily. She cleared her throat. "Supreme Leader Snoke may have his little game with Princess Leia continue if he wishes to. I'm sure you have plenty of material you haven't sent them yet, Armitage." she winced distastefully. "And I know for a fact that you take great pleasure in rewatching it with some of our officers." 

“You know for a fact…” Hux repeated, somehow sounding more warning than agreeing.

"Regrettably," she agreed, revolted. 

If Hux found her behavior insulting, he didn't show it. "Regrettably, you say?" he searched the inside of his coat and came up with a small metallic device. “I was hoping I could share a recording with you." 

"No." Nova said steadily, but Hux had already activated the device, and the images were already before them.

The image showed Poe on his knees, naked, his body spasming, his ribs bruised and cracked. He was glaring up to the three men standing over him, holding the electric batons. He looked feral. It alarmed him that he couldn’t remember what that recording was from. One of the men stepped forward and brought the baton down on his shoulder, the sound of bones cracking echoing in the room.

 _Bastard_ , Poe in the video grunted, _When I get my hands on you-_

 _Better keep your pretty mouth shut,_ the guard replied. _Because now, I've got my hands on you._

Amusement lit up Hux’s features. "This is day thirteen of his capture." 

As much as Poe tried to remember details about that particular day, he could recall nothing. After all these months, he had come to have very intense, tormenting memories of specific days, but otherwise much of his time there had blended together into a vague memory of fear and suffering. He watched the Poe in the recording get punched in the teeth and spit the blood on the guard's face as if it was another man, not himself.

The guard wiped the blood off his face, grabbing Poe by the throat. _I'll show you a good time, rebel scum._

A bloody smile. _I'd like to see you try._

Nova rubbed at her temples. "So fun," she said grudgingly.

Hux turned to her. “May I be forward with you?”

Her expression was morose. “Whether you choose to or not, I can already hear what you have to say.”

“Let me cut right into it, then. I know you’ve taken Dameron to fulfil some kind of fanciful lust. Have your fun, I say, as we all did. But know that you’ll eventually grow bored of him.” Hux scoffed, moving closer to Nova and looking down at Poe along with her, like a couple of friends gossiping about him. “I really don't see the appeal at this point. Pliant, terrified, _dead_ in bed.”

Hot tears of rage and shame started streaming down Poe’s cheeks before he could stop them. Nova tightened her fists, suddenly overcome by a fit of anger. "You disgust me!" she spat out. "Out of my room."

Hux waved to the recording, where Poe's trashed violently, yelling incoherent insults to the men now beating him together. “You should’ve been here in the beginning, Admiral. It took three men just to hold him down. He screamed so hard that passing ships could hear him, the most vulgar things you've ever heard. Making him submit to you felt like mastering the Resistance itself.”

Poe didn’t bother with the tears running down his face, nausea now rising up inside him. The audio suddenly sounded unbearably loud, the sound of Poe's leg snapping and the sudden scream. Nova was evidently trying to keep her eyes away from the screen as one of the guards pressed Poe's head to the ground with his boot. Her lips twitched. "Get out of here, Armitage, or I'll throw you out myself." 

Hux continued speaking undisturbed. “Really Nova, no one likes a corpse, and this man is the closest thing to a corpse that you can fuck. So when you grow bored, Dameron will return to me.”

With that, he leaned down and took Poe's face in his hands. Poe stared at him with wild eyes, a lump closing his throat. “I know when to push him. I know what gets him begging. Only _I_ can get the map out of him,” Poe’s heart fluttered wildly in his chest, and despite himself, he reached behind to grip at Nova’s ankle, a movement which was not lost on Hux. “And once I’m done with him, I will give him the slowest, most agonizing death the Galaxy has _ever_ seen.”

Poe's heart seemed to have stopped. He was not breathing as Hux spoke his last words. “This is a promise.”

When the General left the room, the recording was still playing, Poe’s past screams filling the room as both him and Nova remained motionless and defeated. Nova raised her hand. There was a bright spark and then an absence of light and sound in which the hologram burned.

How many people had seen those recordings? Just Leia? Maybe some the generals? _Possibly all of the Resistance_ , Poe admitted to himself. Those who hadn't seen them would've heard all about them, about the screaming and the begging and the eventual silence which had now taken over him. He had long stopped fighting. He was exhausted beyond belief. He accepted whatever was happening to him, remaining pliant through most attacks. They always tried to think of some new terror they could object him to, but the worst that could happen had already happened. He had learned by now that the more he struggled, the more pain they'd cause him and the longer it would last. There was not much that he was willing to resist anymore. 

_Commander Poe Dameron doesn't exist anymore_ , he realized in horror. The man he used to be was long dead, and everyone seeing these recordings could tell. He, in his stupidity and denial, was the last to realize, but now, standing by Nova's knees, he was certain of it. _I am not Commander Poe Dameron anymore._

Dense silence had filled the room. Nova's sullen voice eventually broke it it. “Come lie down. He’s gone.”

“Don't touch me,” he muttered. 

“Don’t listen to him. He can’t take you away,” she said as she knelt on the floor, gathering him in her arms.

There were no thoughts, only shame and disgust and a memory of past touches. Poe turned and struck her across the face. She fell back, holding her nose.

His outburst was that short-lived. He stared in shock as blood tripped over Nova’s lips. Regret overwhelmed him. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, covering his mouth with his hands.

Nova stared at her blood-stained fingers in confusion. “I deserved it,” she said absently, more to herself than to him.

“No, you didn’t.” he shook his head frantically. “You’ve been so gentle to me.”

She tightened her teeth. “The gentle hands of a torturer.”

“You’ve never tortured me.” he disagreed.

He got up to fetch her a white cloth. She thanked him quietly, first wiping the blood on her hands patiently, large drops staining her uniform as she lowered her head. "I'm fine," she said, aware of his distress. "This is nothing." 

Poe kept a distance while she held the cloth to her nose, watching helplessly as it turned a dark red. The room had acquired an unbearable tension. She nodded towards the bed. "Go to sleep."

He took a step back. “Can I have a shower?”

Nova’s gaze hardened, though she didn’t turn to look at him. “Don’t ever seek my permission for such a thing again.”

Poe nodded and left the room as if he was being chased. 

While removing his shirt, he found the will inside him to cast a look at his reflection in the mirror, something he had rarely done in the last seven months, and immediately regretted his decision. He used to have only a vague idea of what a horrible state he was in, based on how much pain he felt. Ths skin which stretched over his ribs was pale, bruised, paper-thin. Tears ran down his hollowed cheeks. His eyes were dark and watery. Meeting his own foreign gaze made his stomach turn. 

He decided to change the one thing he had direct power over, reaching for the scissors on the bottom of the cabinet. He had noted the location of these scissors on his third day there. During the mornings, he could strongly feel their presence in the bathroom, as if they were calling to him. To take action. Now he grabbed them and started chopping off clumps of hair sloppily.

Nova walked inside and rinsed her bloodied nose with water, pretending she had something to do and was not there to address his panic. Poe paused for a mere moment and then continued struggling with the scissors. Nova eyed him in the mirror, still not meeting his gaze, her voice faking indifference. “You look better.”

He shook his head bitterly. “ _That’s_ better? I’ve seen rotting corpses looking better than me.”

“Well, looks aren’t everything, you know.” she raised her eyebrows. “Supreme Leader Snoke looks hideous, can rip your body apart in an instance. Actually, history shows that the uglier the Sith, the stronger the Force in them.”

Surprisingly to both of them, Poe scoffed softly, which made Nova smile to herself. She retracted the scissors from his hands carefully. He allowed it, watching her hands as Nova started carefully cutting strands of his hair. “You’ve gained some weight, but it’s not enough,” she said, tracing his spine with her knuckles and making Poe shudder. "You're doing very well though."

He was having a hard time keeping his emotions under control. He tried to distract himself with the feeling of Nova shuffling his hair, the sound of the scissors snapping. At the end she didn't shorten them much, but they looked much tidier than before. He nodded at his reflection in the mirror.

Nova smoothed his hair away from his face and he lowered his head, not wanting to meet her gaze either. His hands were trembling, he noticed. She set the scissors back on the cabinet. “Don’t let his words affect you. You were in no better position then than you are now. In fact, you have more chances of surviving now that you control yourself. If rage could truly help, the fall to the Dark Side would’ve been a joyride.”

His hands tangled around his hair, pulling at the now shorter curls. He hid his face in his hands, slumping forward to the cabinet. He drew in a sharp inhale, and his next exhale was a sob.

He could hold his desperation no longer. Shame washed over him, yet he dreaded the thought that she might leave. Gut-wrenching sobs tore through his chest. He took in shaky intakes of breath, his body trembling.

He felt Nova’s hands wrap around his back, just like in his dream. Warmth spread through him. Trembling, he reached to catch both her hands in his, locking them in the center of his chest. “I cannot stand myself anymore.” he choked out in between sobs. “I’m so tired. My mind is so fogged I can’t think, I can’t understand what is happening anymore.”

“I know how torn you’re feeling,” she said, her head resting against his back. “Let me care for you. I have everything under control.”

“I can’t accept your help.” he cried. “Hux is right. Why am I not fighting you? You’re a First Order admiral, an advocate of the Dark Side, and I am sleeping in _your bed_. I’m betraying everything I’ve ever fought for.”

“Don't say that! _You_ of all people have not betrayed any of the things you fought for. At first, I felt guilty for not finding the will inside me to kill rebels and then for not having the courage to burn the First Order down. Guilt corrupts the spirit.”

 _Hope liberates the spirit,_ his father had once said. _Hope guides us through the darkness._

Poe jumped up, his body tingling with anxiety. He turned around and fell right into Nova’s embrace, desperately wrapping her hands around her. For a moment, she remained frozen by shock, her hands hovering in the air around him. Eventually, she returned the embrace, pulling him tightly against her body as he continued crying. “Is anyone coming for me?” he sobbed into her neck.

“What?”

“Is anyone even searching for me or have they all stopped?” he asked. “The Resistance, Leia, Fin. Anyone?”

She merely stared at him. “I…”

Poe's voice struggled to come out through the sobs. “I’m not asking if you think there’s hope. You made it clear that they won’t find me. What I’m asking is…Since they’ve seen all those things…They know what I've done, they’ve seen me beg in Hux’s feet. Am I even worth saving anymore?”

“Oh," she exhaled, placing her hand on the back of his neck. "I’m really not supposed to say this,” she whispered, her eyes frantically searching the room as someone could be hiding somewhere. Her voice was a whisper in his ear. “The Resistance is driving crazy to find you. Princess Leia has been sending us offer after offer, and we’ve been denying negotiations. Resistance ships spar the Galaxy to find you, and I-“ she paused, emphasizing her point. “ _I_ myself have been taking them down one by one, and they never seem to end. They haven’t stopped for a single day, and they won’t stop!”

He furrowed his brows. “Please don't lie to me," 

“You shouldn’t forget that there are people out there who care very much about you.”

Poe nuzzled in the crook of her neck, desperately clinging onto her. He could feel her own heart beating fast as well, apparently as upset as he was. “He said-“ he stammered. “He said they’ve sent these to my father too?”

Nova let her head rest against his and tightened her arms around him. “Yes,”

“What do you think they’ve sent?” he asked, aware of how small his voice was.

“This should be the least of your concerns,” she replied, evidently uneager to continue the discussion.

Hopes of his reunion with his father turned into ashes in his mouth. He could picture the old man watching the recordings of his son getting abused to silence and submitting to the First Order. Poe couldn't imagine how much pain he had caused him. "Stars," he scoffed, cursing himself for his weakness with all his heart. “I hope I never have to face him again.”

“You don’t mean that.” 

But Poe _did_ mean it. He meant it with all his heart, and the pain of having uttered it brought out a new flow of tears. "You haven’t once let me thank you for all you’ve done. For stopping the whipping that day at the gala, and those men afterwards. For tending to me so much. And for not letting Hux take me.”

“Don’t thank me like I’m some sort of hero,” she protested.

“Thank you, thank you.” 

Nova’s chest rose and fell in a heavy sigh. “I haven’t done nearly enough,” she said.

For a few moments, Poe simply allowed himself to be held. Nova stroked his back and shoulder until the sobs quieted down into a flood of tears and eventually died away, leaving him clinging onto her as he steadied his breathing.

At the end, it found its way out of his lips. “I don’t want to die here. I don’t want to die in Hux’s hands.”

Nova kept her breath. He hated how desperately he needed her to say something reassuring. He hated how much he wanted her to tell him she would do something even though he knew she couldn’t possibly prevent it, not while he was in Snoke's hands.

“No, sweetheart, you won’t. Commander?” she tried, but Poe noted how her voice lacked her usual confidence. She pushed him away gently, placing her hands on either side of his face, bur he refused to look at her. “Poe?” she said. His name sounded foreign and alienating in her voice for the first time, as if Snoke himself had called him by his first name.

"Nova," he murmured. 

He finally met her gaze. She stared at him evenly. “I swear that I won’t let this happen to you.”

 _The higher I rise, the harder I'll fall_ , Poe thought. He fell back into her arms. “Don’t lie to me, I can’t handle it-“

She shook him. “If you want to stand a chance of getting out of here alive-”

“How would I ever get out of here alive?"

“I can try-“ she stuttered, searching for words. Her eyes scanned his face in desperation, as if he might have the answer. Eventually, she fell silent, realizing her own defeat.

Here was the best chance Poe could get.

“I know how you can help me.” he caught both her hands in his. “Nova...Please, if it comes down to him taking me again-" he tried to control his voice. “Please, will you do it yourself?”

She pulled away from him and took several steps back, her mouth opening and closing but not making a sound. She looked at him as if she couldn't believe what she had heard. "What?" she asked.

“Please,” he said again. “Say I attacked you, say I ran. You don’t know-” he paused. “You don’t know what it’s like. I don’t want to live anymore if he has me again. Life is torment.”

She raised her voice. “And who is going to put _me_ down when Snoke finds out what I did?”

“Snoke wouldn’t kill you-" he said desperately.

“There are punishments worse than death!“ she yelled.

“I know!” Poe yelled back, his voice breaking. “And none of them worse than what Hux will condemn me to!”

She pulled her hair back, shocked by what he was suggesting. _Her distress is a sign that she's considering it_ , Poe repeated to himself. He wiped the tears from his eyes and tried to compose himself, as Nova leaned her back against the wall. “Oh,” she breathed. “Oh, no.”

He took a step closer to her tentatively. “It would be the biggest kindness you could do me.”

She stared at him in disgust. “You’ve got sick ideas of what kindness looks like.” she spat.

He lowered his head.

She shook her head in disbelief, her eyes glued on the floor. She raised her finger. “There are ways…” she said, her voice trailing off. Poe furrowed his brows as she stopped herself in the middle of the sentence. “Not to leave,” she hurried to explain, pointing at him warningly. “Not while I’m here. But to survive.”

“What ways?” he asked, part of his mind hatched onto the words, _not while I’m here_. If she were not, would there be ways for him to leave? 

“But should they fail…” she continued, deep in thought. “How would I force you to go through all _that_ again?”

“What ways?” he repeated impatiently, approaching her. “If you won't let me go, the only escape is death! If you plan on allowing Hux to take me back, there's no use in protecting me now. Send me back to him and let him torture me to death-”

Her glare was enraged, hateful even. “I said there are ways,” she warned through gritted teeth. “I will not let Hux kill you. Now stop asking.”

He lowered his head. "Thank you."

“If I ever hear you thanking me again-“ she snapped, stopping herself before delivering the threat, lowering her hand and leaving the room in a rush.

Poe stripped and let the water run. He pressed his head against the marble as the heat stream trailed down his back, not stopping the trembles that went through him.

Nova could be persuaded. Either way or another, he was going to ensure a decent, quick death for himself. Private, not something the Resistance or his father would be forced to watch. Painless, he dared hope. Nova didn’t want to hurt him, he knew this much by now.

That was so much more than he would’ve dreamed of a month ago.

The crying fit had left him blank, devoid of emotion. Mechanically, he slid into a new pair of black trousers and walked into the room to find Nova asleep on the chair. Her head was supported on her hand, her breath came in a gentle rasp. He approached her carefully, holding his own breath. If this was a lie, it was amazingly believable. Tentatively, he raised his hand before her eyes and snapped his fingers twice. There wasn't the slightest response. 

It was more of a calling than a rational decision, no thoughts, no feelings. Poe barely acknowledged how he got into the bathroom and how he had gotten the scissors, but now he was holding them in his hands and staring at her sleeping form. 

There were ways. If he could plunge it in the vein in her neck, the bleeding and the pain would momentarily throw her Force off balance. Perhaps long enough for him to get the card out of her pocket and storm outside. Her lungs, which filled her chest with air gently and steadily now, could fill with blood and choke. Then again, if he could aim for her heart and go hard enough, he could kill her at once.

Her veins were so prominent, a map of where he could strike inviting him to take the chance. And then? Whatever came. Perhaps he could get to escape if very few guards were awake. Perhaps they would notice him and he would just run to Hux's room, stab the man on the throat and then kill himself. Perhaps he could do none of that, and he would just open the door, be discovered and immediately killed himself. 

All possibilities seemed more inviting than returning to Hux. 

His hands were shaking. Why were his hands shaking? He had killed before, he had been in situations far more stressful than these. She would probably not have time to fight back if he did his job right. So why were his hands shaking?

The man he once was beginning to stir from his sleep, _You’ve grown so much stronger. You’ve learned each corner of this base. There’s hope._

 _There’ll be no one left here to help you,_ the man he was now replied.

Poe paced back to the bed, the blade digging into his own palm as he held it. Feverish, he twisted them around his fingers. It was now or never. If he didn't act now, who knew when she would let her guard down before him again? 

No one had ever cared for him more than she had. She had fought so hard for him, against her master, her superiors, her own nature. His gratefulness was mixed with hate and fear, but it was strong enough to prevail in the darkest moments. How could he ever possibly do such a thing?

The moment he put the scissors down, Nova opened her eyes.

It would be no surprise for Poe if the last thing he saw before he died was those eyes opening.

They locked their gazes in silence. Poe didn’t know what kind of madness was urging him not to look away. She didn’t seem willing to speak first. He glanced at the scissors and then back at her. “You knew I wouldn’t do it.” he eventually said, amazed himself at how even his voice was.

“Not even _you_ knew you wouldn’t do it.” she murmured tiredly, her eyes fluttering closed again. “Just so you know… _This_ is not one of the ways.”

“I know,” he agreed.

“Good thing logic got the best of you before you’d done anything stupid,” she said, her voice slurring as she drifted off to sleep once more.

Poe eventually sat in the chair next to hers, watching her serene face. It was almost comical how she had fallen back asleep so fast after realizing he was thinking of killing her. Was he really that insignificant a threat? Or was she merely too powerful to fear for such things?

He could ask her, he figured. He had already spoken to her about terrible things. He felt that they now had no reason to hide from each other.

Poe hoped she wouldn’t sleep too long. He wanted her to wake up so they could talk again, so she would put her hand on his shoulder and ask him how he felt.

A tormenting idea which hadn’t existed the previous months was now haunting him. For all his hate after what the First Order had done to him, for all his certainly that there was a minor, yet significant chance that he could escape at his current state, for all his determination not to fall back into Hux's hands, he couldn’t bring himself to kill her. He knew too well that it wasn't morality that was keeping him at this point. So either Poe Dameron had began to think logically for the first time in his life, or there was something else which had gotten the best of him.


	7. The Murders

During his capture, Commander Poe Dameron came to know the many faces of the First Order. It comprised of many individuals, each with their own level of vice and sadism. Different men were assigned to torture him each day, officers took alternating turns between interrogating him, dozens of guards watched and recorded him, strangers entered his cell at night.

Yet after Admiral Nova took him, he interacted with very few people other than her. He saw only those he found on the walk from the bedroom to the diner room. None of them ever addressed him. It was as if he was rendered invisible whenever the Admiral was with him. He didn’t know how she was managing to keep everyone away from him, but he was infinitely grateful for it.

Two weeks into their arrangement, Nova took Poe down the ship hangars while she was overseeing the work. She was very busy, typing rapidly on her screen while engineers underneath her ran around anxiously under her gaze. The ships prepared beneath them were more powerful and technologically advanced than anything Poe had ever seen. Part of him wondered if she had brought him there to demonstrate the power of her fleet. An indirect remark, a sly comment, _you guys never stood a chance._

And where they stood in the platform above the workers, Poe spotted a familiar face across the room. One of the engineers stopped underneath them and he and Poe locked eyes. It was a momentary glance, lasting only a few seconds, but it made Poe’s heart clench at his chest. He instinctively took a step back as images overwhelmed him.

A few months ago, that man had been brought to torture him. _An enthusiastic volunteer_ , Hux had introduced him. He had punched Poe near unconsciousness until the rebel was spitting thick clots of blood, and then he had held him by the neck and torn his clothes to pieces.

Nova, occupied as she was by her calculations, hadn’t taken notice of what was happening. When she spotted the engineer, she didn’t spare him a second glance. “Do you want something, soldier?” she asked indifferently.

“No, mam.” the man replied and strolled back to his spot, smiling conspiringly at Poe.

Poe tightened his fists by his sides, tracking him as he stopped in front of a large machine and set it in motion. Hatred soared inside him. What he wouldn’t give to be strong enough to fight right then and there.

When he turned back to Nova, he gasped. She had left the screen and was now standing inches away from him. Her eyes were set in his. Memories snapped across his mind once more, mixed with a feeling of humiliation during her inspection. 

“Stop!” Poe called out, and she shushed him.

Now, both of them were staring at the engineer. Nova’s lips tightened into a straight line as she observed the man operate the machine. Discreetly, aware of where everyone was looking, she passed her hand around his waist to pull him closer and turned to speak in his ear. “Revenge is not nearly as satisfying as some paint it to be.” 

Princess Leia used to condemn attempts at revenge too. They didn’t align with the principles of the Republic. Only the Dark Side encouraged men to give in to their darkest impulses. “You’re right,” Poe admitted, yet he could feel the tightness around his throat as if the man was still holding him.

“But this is not revenge.” she continued. “Some men simply deserve death. I’m doing it for the sake of justice.”

“Doing what?” he whispered.

He was answered by the sudden screams of the man, cutting through the operating buzz of the room. His hand was trapped inside the machine up to his shoulder. Blood and pieces of flesh splashed around him and sprayed his face as the machine churned and fumed. He screamed, desperately trying to pull himself away, but the harder he tried, the deeper the machine seemed to pull him.

Poe surged forward to the rails, watching as men ran from their spots to gather around the machine. Nova raised her voice, which came out even and clear, not matching the urgency of the situation. “Get away from him. It’s dangerous.”

“Admiral, please, do something!” the man begged. “You have the Force!”

“The Force is not your plaything,” she remarked coldly. “Where is the medic?”

Disoriented, people turned to each other as they tried to decide who would go call him. Poe turned to look at Nova, who smiled lopsidedly and winked at him. 

The whispers of the men were drowned by the piercing screams of the engineer. They gathered in a wide circle around the machine, helpless as to how to help their colleague, who was still stubbornly and stupidly trying to get away only to injure himself further.

The medic ran inside the room, pushing people out of his way. Poe gritted his teeth as the man cast a lingering look at him. Eventually, his eyes shifted to Nova, realizing a moment too late that he should hail her, hurriedly bowing his head to her. She dismissed him with a wave of her hand. “What are you waiting for? Go pull his arm out.”

The medic shook his head. “I can’t go near that thing, mam! It’s fuming!”

“You are a medic, aren’t you?” she asked sternly. “You have sworn an oath to protect. If you cannot perform your duty, you will be escorted out of this ship once and for all.”

The medic looked at her with wide eyes. Around him, men looked uneasily at each other, yet none of them appeared willing to defy the Admiral’s order. Something in Nova's voice and in the reaction of those around him told Poe that she was not referring to a mere deposition. The medic cleared his throat, bowing his head to her again. Moving inside the circle, he tiptoed around the machine. He reached out to the mechanic with shaking hands.

The moment the medic touched the mechanic, the machine exploded into a burst of sparks and flames. 

Screams filled the room and people started running away, bumping onto each other. Poe pulled Nova back by the shoulder, and she smiled slightly at his reaction. The screams of the man had stopped. When the smoke cleared, Poe saw the medic’s body right next to that of the mechanic, both fuming and burned black beyond recognition in a matter of seconds.

She placed her hand on his cheek and guided his gaze away.

***

“This isn’t good for either of us,” she warned him when he asked her to pull her Force from his mind. He told her he needed no more protection, that she should let his mind roam free.

Poe knew just how much protection his mind needed. Those shocks of fear he sometimes got, rare as they were and mellowed down by the Force, were enough to have his heart racing until she returned to him. That was exactly why Poe wanted her out of his mind. He was alarmed by how much he had grown to seek the Force. Alarmed by what Nova had already seen in his mind, and by how dependent he had become upon her. 

He had been weak and hurt, but he wouldn’t allow this any longer.

So he insisted, and she was surprisingly easy to convince. He didn’t miss that condescending look she shot him. “Your stubbornness will be your downfall,” she stated and did as he asked.

He hadn’t expected a dramatic change. He had lived this life without the Force for all those months, so he was shocked to feel the room drain of oxygen the moment Nova retracted it. The first thing he noted was how shockingly cold he felt. Intense pressure crushed his chest and constricted his lungs. A dull pain spread through his body, subtle but persistent, and present in every move he made. A soreness in his muscles, an ache in his bones, a deep-seated pain that the bacta had not healed, that would take a long time to leave him.

Desperation soared through him. _I thought I had healed._

Poe had given up the power he had regained. He had erased all progress he had made during those weeks. And it was that pain that had him exhausted all those months, too weak to speak, barely able to lift his head, crawling at the feet of his torturers and wishing that someone underestimated their strength and ended up knocking him down for the rest of the day.

How could this be the right choice?

The first night he spent without the Force was torment. Where sleep had been soothing and dreamless, it suddenly became plagued with nightmares and flashbacks. Familiar voices whispered in his ears, pain shot up in the memories, hands roamed through his body, and he woke up shouting that he didn't know anything, that he wouldn't speak. He had been asleep for less than an hour when he suddenly jolted up, throwing away the covers and struggling as he felt a set of hands pin him down.

Nova’s words were a wave of incoherent humming. Poe thrashed and cried out, and she gathered him in her arms and held him firmly until eventually his panic died out and he fell back to the bed, so exhausted and sore he couldn’t will himself to open his eyes. His body sank against the mattress, heavy as lead. Even when the effect of the nightmare had faded, his trembling didn't stop.

She moved the damp hair away from his face and felt his forehead. “You’re burning up with fever,” she said.

He could distinctly hear her as she walked around the room. He felt the bed shift as she sat by his side again. The sound of water falling in a pot. And then, the feeling of a wet cloth on his forehead. He whimpered lowly, bringing his hand up to hold her wrist. 

Minutes seemed to form into hours as Nova drained the towel, placed it on his forehead, reheated the water, and continued changing it. Poe couldn’t breathe properly. His chest heaved and shook with a persistent cough. The water soothed him, but only momentarily. His trembling didn't let him rest. 

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this to yourself. If you’d just let me-”

He recoiled from her touch. “No, I don’t want it!”

“Fine,” she said gently, holding her hands over her head. “I won’t force you.”

He turned and buried his face to the pillow. Nova pulled the covers up to his neck. He wasn’t quite sleeping, but he wasn’t awake either. He laid on the bed, unable to process his surroundings. He completely lost track of time.

Nova’s voice pulled him from his trance. “Get up,” she ordered, pulling him to half-stand on the bed. He shivered as the blanket fell down his body. “I’m sorry, but you have to come with me.” she murmured. She pulled a shirt over him, and then a heavy black coat with the sigil of the First Order on the back. She started buttoning it quickly, aware of how he shook under her touch.

Her movements were rough and abrupt. Her brows were furrowed, her eyes dark and cold. Her silence was not soothing, but rather tense and stormy. Poe had observed her long enough to know when she was trying to restrain her temper. “What happened?” he asked.

“Seven of our child troops were killed.”

Hearing the word child troops flooded his mind with images of Finn, an innocent boy forced into a war he never asked to be a part of. Now, the images of Finn were accompanied by those of Nova, taken from her home and raised under Snoke’s protection. 

He lowered his head. “How did this happen?”

Nova refused to meet his eyes and said through gritted teeth. “One of your kind infiltrated our site and slaughtered them in their beds.”

Poe froze in horror. “The Resistance? It can’t be! General Organa would never concede to the murder of children!”

“Very few actually concede to the murder of children, commander,” she explained. “But if it serves a purpose, most of them can live with it.”

 _Not my General_ , Poe thought, but he could tell that the Admiral was in a particularly dark mood. He remained silent as he followed her unsteadily and clumsily to a room at the top of the base. Hux and Kylo Ren appeared at their side. Officers, generals, soldiers and mere workers had all gathered in the room. They made way for Nova and Poe to come through. In the middle of the room knelt Jove, a young rebel soldier who Poe used to command. The man's hands were tied to the ground, a wound on his torso bleeding heavily. As soon as spotted Poe, he surged forward in his bonds.

“Commander!” he called out.

“Jove,” Poe whispered under his breath.

Jove stared up at him in adoration. “Stay strong, Commander! We’re so close to uncovering this base! Soon our army will surge these halls-“

“Empty promises.” Nova interrupted him. “All that the Resistance has to give. Are you the man who attacked our wards?”

“None other than me,” Jove inclined his head.

She looked down at him. Her eyes were harsh and dark, her voice was venomous. “And do you stand by what you did?”

Jove sneered at her. “I killed children who would’ve grown to become the next Hux, the next you. If we had killed your lot back when you were infants, the Galaxy would be free now.”

Nova’s eye twitched indistinctly, but her face remained expressionless, hard as stone. “Hm.” 

“Jove,” Poe whispered. “Finn was a child troop once.”

He winced. “I don’t trust that traitor for one moment.”

“You’re wrong!” Poe protested.

Nova placed a hand on his chest and slowly pulled him back away from the other rebel. She marched towards Jove, starring down at him with clear hatred in her eyes. “I'll agree that killing us early on is an effective strategy. But you won’t get another chance. The children you killed were as innocent as any other child is." she paused. "You are hereby sentenced to death in the name of Supreme Leader Snoke.”

With that, she simply took the blaster from her belt and pointed it directly at Jove’s chest. As she pushed the trigger, Poe surged forward and pulled her hand back. The blaster fired behind them, eliciting a row of shocked shouts from the men gathered around them.

Nova froze in place, contemplating what Poe had just done. Both of them were holding the blaster above her head. He kept his hand on it firmly, and they remained motionless, breathing distance away from each other. “What are you doing?” she mouthed. Around them, stunned silence had fallen between her superiors and soldiers, who were watching their dispute unfold before their eyes. Kylo Ren stood behind her with his hand on the base of his lightsaber. 

Indeed, what _was_ he doing?

Nova banged his head with the back of the blaster and Poe fell on his back, the force of the blow throwing him off balance and causing him to black out momentarily. Hot blood ran down his forehead.

“Leave him alone, you murderous whore!” Jove screamed beside him.

“Shut your mouth!” Nova spat, turning her attention away from Poe just long enough to raise her blazer and shoot a clean shot directly in Jove’s chest. The rebel fell dead with his hands open by his sides, and an expression of terror frozen onto his face. 

Nova’s tall black boots entered Poe's line of vision. He raised his gaze to find her staring down at him. She raised her blaster again, and Poe instinctively brought his hand over his face before he lost consciousness.

***

Poe came back to his senses to find himself on the bed with his head on Nova’s lap, her fingers massaging the back of his head. “Forgive me, forgive me,” she whispered to his ear. 

He brought his hands to feel the bacta-coated bandages on his head. He looked up at her, grunting at the slightest movement he made. "I'm so stupid..." he whispered.

“Don’t move and don’t speak,” she instructed. “Listen to me. I have to leave for three days. Don’t worry, no one is allowed in here.”

He grunted softly as she dug into the skin of his scalp. She seemed even more discomposed than she was before. “What you did today really upset me.” she finally said. “You can never defy me in the presence of my men. _Never_. I am not some girl that you can quarrel with. I am their Admiral. They will be expecting a show of exemplary punishment.”

He stiffened looking back into her eyes. “You killed one of my own-”

“This wasn't about sides, and you know it.” she interrupted him. “This was all about your blind allegiance to the Resistance! I didn’t care if that man was a rebel or one of my men, I wouldn’t have cared if he was my brother reincarnated. Whoever commits such crimes must die, whether he is on the side of the Light or of the Dark.” 

Poe surged up to his elbows victoriously, his body screaming at him in the process. He ignored it. The conversation had arrived at a point he had tried to approach many times. “Snoke has committed hideous crimes against the Galaxy. Despite your strict morality, you haven’t killed _him_.”

“Oh, wouldn’t you like that?” she asked in a honeyed voice. “Remorseful student kills the Supreme Leader and disappears into the sunset with the commander of the Resistance.”

He glared at her, disturbed by her response. She shook her head. “Let me tell you what it would truly look like. Remorseful student kills the Supreme Leader. The Dark Side loses all its power. The Resistance finds us, you fall straight into Princess Leia’s arms, and your friends bring you my head in a plate.” she scoffed. “Is this your master plan?” 

Poe blinked rapidly. “If you helped me escape, I wouldn’t let them do anything to you.”

“You’re very sweet,” she said, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “That’s kind of outside your jurisdiction though. The men you answer to don’t think the best of me. And this-” she pointed at herself and then poked at his chest. “This doesn’t look good from the outside. Looks like a prisoner who has latched onto an authority in order to survive. Looks like your judgement is clouded.”

She opened her case to check on her equipment. She unfolded a rolled cloth on the bed and started inspecting the weapons. Poe watched uneasily as she drew her fingers over a set of blades, in different sizes and shapes. He could almost feel ghosts of pain where he used to have the deepest scars, now faded away by the bacta. A shudder went up to his spine.

Seeing his discomfort, Nova carefully untangled herself from their embrace and lowered Poe’s head to the pillow. She got up and secured her case again. “Where are you going with that?”

“I need to make arrangements,” she replied.

Poe didn't know what kind of arrangements were done with these materials, and he didn't want to know. 

She gathered the last of her things, secured her lightsaber on her belt and finally, pulled a black helmet over her head. Observing her, Poe said, very quietly. “You know I couldn’t stand by while you killed him. He was my friend.”

“I understand that more than anyone.” she nodded, her voice coming out distorted. “I have mourned for men who had done horrible things. We don’t choose who we love.”

With that, she knelt by his side once more. “Be careful,” she said. “Remember that you’re not alone. I can see this room from across the Galaxy.”

He almost smiled. “Is this meant to reassure me or scare me?”

Her gloved hand squeezed his shoulder as she got to her feet. “Use it as you like.”

Poe could feel that there was something she was not telling him. Her uneasiness and reluctance were clear in every move she made. He didn’t want to push the matter any further. If there was something she thought he shouldn’t hear at the moment, he was sure he wouldn’t want to hear it. She didn't seem ready to leave, and Poe wasn't ready for her to leave either. Despite that, she threw her cape over her armor and turned her back to him. 

_Don’t leave me alone in this place_ , Poe thought.

But she had kept her promise and stayed away from his mind, so the plea echoed in his head as the door shut behind her.


	8. The Bond

After eight months under the constant threat of someone dragging him out of his cell at any time, the moment Commander Poe realized he was finally alone and safe, he could do nothing but watch himself fall down an abyss of despair and obsession.

The fever had him paralyzed on the bed, his body heavy as lead, his limbs unmovable. His chest ached hollowly with an unrelenting pressure that he could feel even as he slept. His skin was soaked in cold sweat and he shivered under the covers in his drenched clothes. When the bandages on his head -courtesy of Nova’s quick reflexes and his own immeasurable naivety- became too moist and stuck to his skin, he slowly unwrapped the cloth and traced the smooth skin. Nothing. The tissue had been sealed together by the bacta, but he could still feel a sting even though there was no wound.

His exhaustion demanded only one thing, and it was the one thing he was not willing to do: sleep. Fighting through the fever was agonizing, but the moment he closed his eyes, his body jolted in the memory of pain, hands grasped at him, voices whispered in his ears, the door opened and Hux grabbed him by the hair, the Supreme Leader made him kneel at his feet, his father walked into his room and told him that something terrible had happened to his mother.

Each time Poe woke, he felt more and more powerless. Moving became harder and more uncomfortable, his head banged, his eyes could barely stay open. Eventually, he stopped getting off the bed, and just laid there fighting the impulse to fall asleep, dozing off somewhere along the borders of consciousness.

Concepts began fusing into one another in his mind. Nova easing his pain with the Force. Nova attacking him with the Force. Nova killing Jove. Nova killing the medic and the mechanic, her own men. A gift from the Dark Side to Poe. How could he ever allow it?

His interests sometimes merged with hers. Diverged slightly at other times. He had to be prepared for the times that their interests interfered with each other.

But Nova was a keeper of balance. She protected him, and he accepted her care. She reassured him, and he kept his mouth shut. There were things she wasn’t telling him, and he didn’t ask. There were battles to be fought between them, but they both marched in the borders of peaceful cohabitation. Poe could live with that balance. It was the thing that had rid him of unnecessary suffering.

That balance was disrupted the days that Nova left. It was one thing to long for the absence of pain. One thing to long to feel safe. Now that he had both things, it was another thing entirely to pray for her return.

***

She waited for him on the control panel of her dreadnought, the dreadnought Poe had demolished years ago and then searched every corner of to find any clue about the First Order. Her red eyes shone predatorily in the darkness of the room. A tingle ran through Poe’s nerves under her intense gaze and he walked very consciously to stand over her.

Placing a hand on the nape of his neck, she pulled him to her and brought their lips together. Poe went rigid, shock freezing him in place and taking away his breath. Only a moment later, he was overcome by a feeling of relaxation and certainty. This felt right in every way. He returned the kiss.

She placed her hands on each side of his head, and he screamed into the kiss when he felt the scorching acid overflow his nerves. He dropped to his knees as the attack forced its way inside his mind, breaking, invading, destroying. The map to Luke Skywalker opened up before her, and she continued, deeper than anyone had ever gone, in places not even he knew existed, places he didn’t want to exist.

 _Stop resisting me_ , she demanded, and he screamed at the top of his voice, the betrayal and deception shattering all that used to be Poe Dameron in a way that torture could never manage. 

The First Order had finally found a way to break him.

He woke up screaming and clawing at her skin, locked in her embrace. He trashed and shouted incoherent threats and she yelled back at him as if he could even hear her. Realizing he was not communicating with her, she climbed on top of him and pinned his hands above his head with impossible strength, reaching with her other hand to start pulling his drenched shirt off. He went limp underneath her.

His vision cleared again when he felt the lukewarm water fall down his burning skin. He gasped, throwing himself back to reality. He was laying naked on a pile of towels, a blanket covering him while Nova ran a wet cloth over his right arm. 

He blinked at her through the haze. “You’re back?” he muttered uncertainly, his voice coming out strained through his sore neck.

She set his right hand under the blanket and reached for the left one. “I have to bring down the fever.”

“I’m sorry, I just had this terrible vision-“ he shook his head. “Um, dream. I meant dream.”

_Vision._

“No one can hurt you while I’m here.” she reminded him.

 _No one except you_ , Poe’s mind snapped, and he immediately tried to choke down the thought. He shivered as she lowered the blanket down to his waist. She started washing away the sweat off his torso and stomach.

“I’m so cold,” he heaved.

She dropped the cloth into the bowl, and when it came in contact with his chest again it was scorching hot, finally relieving the pressure on his lungs. She continued down his legs, thorough but hasty to bring down his temperature. His muscles twitched under her touch.

Kylo Ren stormed through the room. Poe covered his nudity with his hands. The knight was holding a heated cup. “I didn’t know our agreement dictated that I run errands for you,” he said angrily.

Nova snatched the cup from his hands. “If he dies, nothing stops Luke Skywalker from reanimating the Jedi Order.” 

She brought it to Poe’s lips, and he swallowed dutifully, the sweet liquid running down his throat and throwing him into a coughing fit. Nova half-lifted him on the bed and held him as his chest shook with convulsions.

Kylo Ren narrowed his eyes at them. “You’re being much too affectionate,” he commented. “You should put him in his place.”

She turned just enough to shoot him a warning glance. “You should go call your secret lover. She’s screaming in my ears trying to get to you.”

Ren threw his long cape over his shoulder and left them.

Nova untangled from Poe’s hands and gripped his chin in her hand, tilting it as she observed his face. He shut his eyes and moaned in discomfort, shivers running through him. 

“I can make this stop. I know you’ve been through much, and I don’t want to force anything on you.” she enunciated. “But you haven’t lived through severe and relentless torture just to die of fever in my hands!”

“Not the worst way to go,” he mumbled.

She shook him hard. “How dare you?” she snapped, her fingers biting into his biceps. “Say you want it!” she ordered. “Don’t make me a villain and just _say_ you want it!” 

She shook him again, and Poe came forward to rest his head on the crook of her neck. She sighed in exasperation, manoeuvring him onto his side and then placing a hand on his cheek and waiting for permission. He didn’t speak, but he stared right back into her eyes with the little energy he had left.

He had dropped all defences long ago. This was just them making it official.

He watched blearily as she lifted the blanket and laid beside him. She accommodated herself behind his back, pulling him close to her body and wrapping a hand tightly around his chest. Her body radiated a strangely intense warmth which had him leaning back to her.

The effect of the Force’s return was not immediate like the withdrawal had been. It was a slow, eventual comfort that washed over him. The tightness in his muscles easing slightly, his breath coming easier, perfectly synced with hers. The fever fading away painstakingly slow, leaving the paralyzing exhaustion behind.

He didn’t fall asleep again. He settled with laying in Nova’s arms and monitoring the changes in his body. The feeling was much too pleasant for him to want to run away from it. She clung closer to him and spoke calmly in his ear. “Why would you rather suffer than accept my help?” she asked.

He gripped her hand in his, pressing it to his chest. 

Nova took another long pause. “Do you not understand that I do everything with your best interest at heart? I’m trying to find the most painless way for you to continue your life here. And as if it’s not enough that I’m surrounded by enemies, now I also have _you_ standing in my way.”

His burning eyes staring blankly into the wall. “Maybe you should take Kylo Ren’s advice and put me in my place before it’s too late.”

She inhaled sharply and moved as if she intended to withdraw from him, but he held her hand tighter. He knew he was being selfish and unfair, but the dream gripped at him like an iron fist around his heart.

“Don’t leave again,” he managed to say.

She rested her forehead against his back but didn’t seem to be very touched by his plea. The irritation in his voice was moderated, but still evident. “You won’t let me heal you, you resist me in front of my men. You _want_ me to hurt you,” she said, voicing it like an accusation. “Felt simpler to get hurt, huh? Your upbringing and your blind allegiance to the Resistance just won’t let you accept the fact that I’m not your enemy.”

He shut his eyes. “My compliance is bordering to treason,”

“Ha! Is this what treason looks like in the Resistance?” she laughed. “You’re here, aren’t you? The map to Luke Skywalker locked inside your pretty head, and my master begging for a single clue. _That_ is treason.”

“I thought than trusting you was an effect of the Force,” he confessed.

“Is that why you have chosen martyrdom? My Force has saved you from death, and you are forever bound by it.” 

His eyes snapped open. “What do you mean?”

“I feared and hated the Supreme Leader when I first came here. When he obliterated my planet-“ she drew in a deep breath. “I _wanted_ to harm him, but I was bound to him, explicitly, irrevocably. I am part of him, and he is part of me. He made a choice when he took me under his responsibility, like I made a choice when I grew strong enough and didn’t escape him.”

Poe was shocked that she didn’t realize the effect her words had on him, and how non-comforting and disturbing they were. “So you are to me what Snoke is to you?”

She rolled her eyes at his reaction. “You can refuse my help, you can be as stupid as you want, you can try to fight me, and there _will_ be consequences. But I’m way past giving up on you, and you should know you’re way past denying me. My Force is part of you, and you need it to survive in here, no matter how much you hate it. And since you have no regard for your own wellbeing, I fear that I cannot always give you a choice.”

He let go of her hand and turned to her. “So I am bound to the Dark Side of the Force?”

“You are bound to me,” she corrected him. “Whatever this may imply.” 

His eyes darted across the room, his mind lacking the energy to unpack what she had told him. “This bond-“

“Could never be as strong as it is between me and my master.” she interrupted him and then added, thoughtfully. “Yet it is of the same nature. And it grows every day. You would understand it better if you had the Force.”

He thought back to the dream. To his struggle to keep his mind away from the connotations of who she was and what she had done. To the horrifying panic that day when he saw her on the door of his cell and contemplated if she was there to torture him or help him. To the overwhelming fear which lured in every moment that had passed ever since, that she would change her mind and hurt him.

“I think I understand it.”

***

Only when the fever had completely disappeared, did Poe come in contact with his surroundings. His head cleared and he started observing sensations around him, the buzz of the Force in his body, the feeling of Nova clinging to him, her steady breath in his neck. He didn’t want to move. He hadn’t felt that relaxed in the time that he had been in the First Order, possibly in years. Nova eventually placed her hand on his forehead, and, satisfied by what she was getting, untangled from him.

She turned on her back with a grunt and Poe turned to face her. She laid her head on the mattress and her breath suddenly caught on her throat. Cursing silently, she unbuttoned her shirt and threw it open. Her entire stomach was covered in bandages, stained with dark blood. A particular spot seemed to be growing darker and darker in the moment. He reached out tentatively to touch them, ghosting his fingers over the sloppy work.

“What happened?” he asked, searching her eyes.

“One of your bombers blew me down a ravine. I am told it was being driven by a friend of yours…and mine.” she scoffed. “That rogue stormtrooper. The one you call Fin.”

Poe’s mouth gaped open. “Fin?!”

“Not a very skilled pilot,” she said. “A very determined one though. He couldn’t get me, so he threw his bomber on mine and destroyed both our ships. Don’t worry, I made sure that he survived.”

Had Finn spoken to her? How many had she killed? Had General Leia been there? What was the outcome of the battle, and was the conflict over? Thousands of questions surged Poe’s mind, and he screamed internally when the one that emerged was: “Are you alright?”

She seemed equally as surprised at him by his interest, almost uneasy. “I am, thank you,” she said, pressing his hand to her lips briefly before setting it down to his side. His heart skipped a beat.

She rested both her hands over her wounds, her fingertips stained red. She closed her eyes and Poe watched openly as her chest rose and fell under the bandages. Her breath was even, her face was strangely serene. 

Poe was determined not to allow himself to sleep again that night. He couldn’t afford her getting a glimpse of those dreams. When she indicated that he should rest too, he hastily said he had slept a lot during those days. Nova scoffed at that, and said, without opening her eyes. “I had a rebellion of my own at some point. Cast Snoke away from my mind, denied his support. Tiptoed around the borders of madness for some time. And he made me an offer, which I am about to make you.”

A short pause in which Poe anticipated her next words. “You don’t have to think about those horrible things anymore. You don’t have to be afraid. I can make you forget. You will remember that they happened, but you won’t remember them happening. You tell me what to keep and what to erase.”

It took Poe a few long moments to realize what she was suggesting. _She must be insane to think I would let her interfere with my memories_ , he thought. “I don’t want this!” he said.

“Fine, be quiet!” she complained, flinching ever so slightly as he raised his voice. “If you don’t want it, you don’t want it.”

She rested her hand over her eyes, sighing deeply. Her evident tiredness had a direct effect on Poe's nerves. 

“I think _you_ should sleep.”

She snorted. “Dare I? You might cut me open with a pair of blunt scissors.”

He shifted onto his back, smiling lightly. “I might,”

Several minutes passed, and it was hard for him to determine whether she was sleeping or not. She was laying very, very still, yet there was something in her face and in the atmosphere of the room which told him she was on the process of healing her wounds. He called out her name, and she glanced at him confusedly, as if she had forgotten he was there.

“Did you accept the offer?” he asked carefully. 

She smiled icily. "Of course."

An unsettling worry stirred inside Poe at her casualness in admitting it and at what he was about to hear. She took her time to speak, deeply lost in thought. “I don’t remember my first years here. I can _feel_ them. I can feel all the terror and the rage, but I can’t _remember_ them.”

“I don’t understand,” he said, though the disturbance that flared up inside him indicated that he did in fact understand.

Her gaze met his and her voice came out clear as she explained. “I remember myself as a little girl screaming for them to let me go. The next memory I have of myself is that of a devoted soldier close to mastering the Force. I don’t remember him breaking me. I don’t remember swearing fealty to him. I don’t remember subduing to the Dark Side.”

“The blanks in my memory are just as real,” she concluded. She shot him a forced smile, and then slowly turned her back on him.

The Force’s effect on Poe's body did not expand to his mind. Nova had decided to give him some space, or at least she wanted to appear to be giving him space. Obsessive thoughts overcame him once more. The days that had passed during his recovery had blurred into one another, blanks in his memory, clouds in his judgement, but that couldn’t be anything more than the pain and the fear acting on his tired mind. It was his paranoia that had established what he felt like a link to the Dark Side, a falter in his spirit. His memories were intact, censored only by his own fears. What else could have happened? She wouldn't have mentioned it if she was intending to force him to do it anyway.

 _I fear I cannot always give you a choice,_ she repeated in his mind, and he wrapped his hands around his curls in despair. 

Poe fell asleep asking himself if he had already forgotten things, and what she could've considered horrible enough to erase while keeping the memories of abuse which kept him up at night.


	9. The Brand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things have been very hard lately. Thank you for your patience.

Nova’s return marked a significant improvement in Poe’s condition. The fever died out in a matter of hours and didn’t return. The subsequent exhaustion lasted through that restless night and the pilot got off the bed the next morning feeling rejuvenated and calm. He returned to a regular state of health as if nothing had happened. As if his body had pushed him to his limits just long enough to have him to ask for the Force, and then had settled comfortably in the presence of Nova.

It was infuriating. He felt like banging his head against the wall in despair at the indisputable reminder of his vulnerability. He felt well now, but those few days had been a cruel warning: he was still exposed and defenceless and very much dependent upon the enemy for his survival.

She vowed to stay away from his thoughts whenever possible, and from what Poe could tell, she was keeping that vow. Every single night he would jolt up drenched in cold sweat, heaving for air as invisible hands pinned him down. Nova was always there, rubbing comforting circles in his back, and whispering “Everything is fine,” until he relaxed and fell back to sleep.

Even more infuriating was the fact that Poe was consoled by those words. He knew better than anyone that things were not fine. He was locked inside an enemy base, feeling the breaths of Snoke, Ren and Hux on the back of his neck, his only hope of survival being the secret support of a deceitful admiral who invoked the Dark Side to keep him safe.

So why did he believe her when she said everything was fine? 

Nova’s species slept very little, but there were times that she laid on the bed with him. He suspected that it was more for his sake than her own physical need. The bed was much too narrow for two people. They laid side by side with their hands crossed over their chests but by the time they woke up, they found themselves entangled, with their arms tightly wrapped around each other.

When he woke up with his face pressed onto her shoulder, he’d just close his eyes and relish the comforting proximity and warmth. She’d mumble an apology and carefully push him off her chest to pull herself away. The outcome remained the same. By morning they were in each other’s arms again, seemingly awkward, but also feeling safer than ever.

***

The exemplary punishment that Nova had promised her men had been delayed, but would ultimately have to be delivered. Even Poe acknowledged that. The entire base had its eyes on them. Officers asked ironically about his wellbeing. Hux’s surveillance was now amplified by Kylo Ren’s, who was starting to question Nova’s willingness to retract the map from him. Her men wondered why their notoriously stern and relentless Admiral had allowed a rebel to defy her in front of her allies and superiors.

The sense of dread built up inside Poe whenever Nova transferred the talk which spread around the base about the two of them. People were under the impression that he was going through the most horrifying torture a rebel had ever endured, and they desperately wanted to catch a glimpse of it. He knew that the longer she kept them waiting, the grander a show they expected. Eventually, he was the one who asked when she intended to do it, and she responded by choking on her wine and falling into a coughing fit.

“I can’t take the pressure,” he said. “Let’s just get it over with.”

She nodded silently and rose off her chair. She returned spinning the razor between her fingers. He’d laugh at the irony of being groomed for torture, but a knot had formed in his throat and he couldn’t even bring himself to approach her. The connotations of him having to look nice made his stomach turn. The base expected her to parade him around like Hux had done in the past.

He sat in the chair in front of her and she started spreading the foam on his cheeks.

The first time she had done it, it was because his hands were too unstable to hold the blade properly. After a few more times, she had insisted on doing it for him. Whatever satisfaction she derived from the action seemed to be absent on that day. She looked deeply conflicted as she held his chin very firmly to keep him still and started drawing the razor over his cheek. Was her hand shaking or was he just imagining things? The blade whispered against his skin and he shut his eyes.

The careful dragging of the razor continued in the silence until Nova spoke in a strained voice. “It was stupid of the Resistance to kill them while we have you. It’s almost as if they’re daring us to hurt you.”

Poe opened his eyes to a shocking sight. Nova's eyes were tearful and her hand quivered noticeably. She tilted his head slightly, concentrating on keeping the blade steady. His heartbeat started rising. He was the one who had been stupid enough to attack her. This was all his fault. He held her wrist firmly. 

“I understand that you have to do it,” he said. “I won’t be any trouble for you, I promise.”

She took both his hands in hers and held them. Leaning down, she pressed a brief kiss to his forehead. “I’ll never forgive myself,” she stated. “Never.”

Her reaction was terrifying him, but he tried not to let it show. Whatever she intended to do had to be horrible to have her unable to control her guilt. Still, it felt simply too excruciating to ask what it would be. If he learned, he might have felt inclined to resist her, and he knew how destructive that'd be for both of them. 

“I trust you,” he said, and meant it.

She interlocked her gaze with his as she slowly drew the blade over his cheek. Placing her hand on his forehead she started pushing his forehead back. He bared his neck. He shivered when he felt the cold blade on his skin again, but it was the first time that he didn’t picture her slicing his throat open.

***

The council was in particularly high spirits even before Admiral Nova showed up with Commander Poe muzzled and bound, but their excitement peaked when their admiral pulled the rebel inside the room by the chain. Everyone turned their attention to them. Her superiors and soldiers alike set whatever they were doing on hold and gathered around the table. Kylo Ren removed his helmet and cast Nova an evaluating look. Poe’s gaze dropped to her hand holding the chain, to her knuckles turning white in the only sign of anguish in her otherwise perfectly balanced behavior.

Her voice was measured. “I apologize for the interruption, but I have an urgent announcement to make.”

The room was buzzing with anticipation. Nova placed a hand on Poe’s shoulder and shoved him forward into plain sight. “The coward Princess Leia has officially taken responsibility for the murders.”

She gestured at him, and two of her men grabbed him and forced him to his knees. They pulled his shirt off with much more resolve than that required for someone who was not fighting. His heart was fluttering widely in his chest. A troop stopped before Nova and handed her something. Poe felt faint when he saw the iron brand with the sigil of the First Order burning and fuming at the edge.

One of them forced his head down and the other extended his shoulder, both holding him so tightly that he was unable to make the slightest move. Nova circled him slowly with her steps echoing in the room. “In the name of Supreme Leader Snoke,” she said with gravity. “The First Order vows to retaliate accordingly.”

He should’ve asked. He should’ve been a man and asked what the punishment would be. He realized now why she had used the muzzle. If he could speak, he’d be screaming at her to stop. He knew torture, but he couldn’t accept something so irreversible, something so vile-

He writhed in agony when the iron came in contact with his shoulder. Black spots appeared in his vision. The searing pain shocked him, the smell of scorched flesh nauseated him, but it was rage and revulsion that had him howling against the iron of the muzzle.

The metal lifted and the men released him. The burn vanished unexpectedly fast. Clapping echoed in Poe's ears. He doubled over, holding his shoulder as trembles spread through it. “Such a good boy,” someone said, and the room broke into unified laughter.

Kylo Ren rose. He seemed to be somehow lost as he raised his glass towards their direction. He looked at Nova strangely, like he didn’t recognize her. “To Admiral Nova,” he mumbled in disorientation. “And to the immeasurable sacrifices she has made for the First Order.”

“To Admiral Nova!” they agreed, and Nova bowed her head respectfully.

Poe hadn’t been burned before, yet he assumed that the pain did not evaporate the moment the heat was removed. Yet he could feel no sensation other than his hand going completely numb. He assumed that the healing had already started discreetly.

Kylo Ren continued. “Ever since your designation as admiral, the First Order has conquered victory after victory. And we can all already see the happy outcome of the final battle with the Resistance.”

“Only if you stay out of my feet, my friend,” she said jestingly. 

Poe groaned on the floor out of frustration at witnessing the exchange of compliments between First Order superiors. Nova side-glanced him warningly and then offered a blinding smile to the men across the room.

The atmosphere of entertainment did not seem to reach Kylo Ren, who raised his voice once more. “Since the Admiral has made her announcement, I’ll have to ask the rest of you to leave the room so I can speak with her.”

A collective sigh of disappointment echoed in the room, yet no one dared protest against the famously bad-tempered knight. Instead, they turned to the one person they knew could do it. Nova was momentarily taken aback by Ren’s request, but she quickly recovered “As much as I hate to ruin this beautiful moment, the Knight of Ren and I have very pressing matters to attend to.”

The room emptied slowly, with the officers shaking Nova’s hand before grudgingly dragging themselves outside and whispering promises of the final line of the war in sight. Poe remained still on the floor as the men walked around him, glaring back into the complacent smiles.

Once they were alone, Nova and Ren merely stood in the middle of the room and locked their gazes, each expecting the other to make the first move.

Kylo Ren knelt in front of Poe. The rebel recoiled away from him, but Ren pulled him close in an iron grip and inspected his brand thoughtfully. A strong vibration ran through Poe’s bone, and the blackened skin around the burn started mending.

“This could easily malform, so you better heal the wound.” the man said.

Nova furrowed her brows at the sight of Ren healing the pilot. “Are you suddenly going soft on the Resistance, Ren? You’re the one who challenged me to prove my loyalty.”

“The brand is punishment enough. You said it yourself that unnecessary pain is beneath the First Order.”

Poe had seen everything now that he saw the Knight of Ren making sure he was not in pain. Nova had explained to him that she could not fully protect him in the presence of Ren, because the man could sense alterations in the Force. Was it Kylo Ren who had shut off Poe’s pain the moment the brand was placed? Nova’s surprised expression pointed towards that.

She tilted her head to the side. “Is this Ben Solo I before me?”

With that, the man abruptly let go of Poe and jolted to his feet. “I will not be lectured to by you!”

“Oh my…” she murmured. “It _is_.”

Ren pointed a finger at her face warningly, and she remained put, watching him try to restrain himself like she was observing a strange animal. Ren gave way to rage and took a step back. He nodded at her and left the room with the door shutting loudly behind him.

Nova’s façade of smugness and self-assurance disappeared the moment she was alone with Poe. She pulled her military coat off frantically and knelt to drape it over his shoulders. Poe gripped at the fabric and wrapped it around his body as she struggled to remove the muzzle. 

“Are you alright?” she asked urgently.

“I’m fine,” he said, stretching his jaw.

His gaze traveled to her black vest, leaving the skin on her arms exposed. He had never seen her without her coat on. The first thing he noted was the veins, strikingly dark as they branched around her skin in intricate, captivating patterns. An excess of them was gathered on the top of her shoulder, where, blackened and prominent, he saw the mark that now decorated his own shoulder.

He ran his fingers over the shape which would become painfully familiar to him for as long as he lived. He wondered when she had acquired it. If it had been voluntary or if it had been anything like what he had endured. His hands wandered down her arms and he was surprised to feel thin fading scars, old cuts which were not easy to observe but marked several spots on her skin. 

“Why haven’t you healed yourself?” he asked.

“Power through pain,” she said simply, as if it was self-explanatory.

He remembered Leia speaking about that. About the Dark Side encouraging men to surrender to pain, to the inevitable, in order to achieve their darkest cravings. About particularly ruthless force-users who drained power not only from their enemies’ suffering, but also from their own. It had sounded like a children’s fairytale at the time.

He chuckled despite himself. “If there’s power in pain, I can assume you stopped my suffering to weaken me.”

She smiled half-heartedly. “Your suffering is not over.”

“I know,” he said, unconsciously wrapping the coat tighter around himself. “What are they going to do to me?”

“Whatever it is, I’ll be there by your side.”

“On _their_ side.” he said before he could stop himself, not maliciously, but with sheer honesty.

She flinched ever so slightly. The bitter smile which spread on her face did little to conceal her guilt. “Yes,” she said. “Hux is begging the Supreme Leader to let _him_ carry out the rest of the punishment, but I won’t allow it. It will be me.”

“No!” he said abruptly. “I don’t want it to be you.”

She raised her shoulders, perplexed by his reaction. “You know I’ll make it as fast and painless as possible. And I am probably the one person in this base that won’t take pleasure in it.”

He shook his head manically. “No. I don’t want it like that.”

She placed a hand on his thigh and looked into his eyes. “Why?”

He met her gaze with resolve. She studied his face for a few moments and suddenly retracted her hand as if she had been burned. Her back rose and fell with a silent sigh. They were finally on the same page.

“Do you know how much it hurts when it's you?” he asked accusingly. “Are you just _pretending_ not to notice?”

He wouldn’t believe for a single second that she didn’t know. She was probably just hoping the matter would never be addressed, and Poe had ruined her plans. She shook her head like she was trying to will the thoughts away. “Please, Poe-“ 

“No! I want to understand.” he protested, the words surging our of his lips and him ignoring the warning that if he spoke of them, it would become true. “I sat here and took it, so now you will give me answers. Is what I feel…Is this the Force bond at work?”

“I love the Supreme Leader,” she said. “I am not _in love_ with him.”

It was not the same for her then. Simple as that. Poe could’ve dropped it at that moment, and kept his remaining sanity. He nodded curtly, hoping the bitterness didn’t show in his face. “Thank the Force. That would be the stuff of nightmares.”

She seemed to be fighting to hold a smile. Her voice was teasing. “Are you getting strange thoughts about me then? Commander, this goes far beyond your limits.”

He snorted. “Don’t assume to know my limits.”

“I’m inside your mind, remember? I _do_ know your limits.”

Seeing that he was not taking her teasing well, her face straightened, and her voice came out serious. “I am not letting you do anything you’d regret. I am going to be the responsible one and tell you that you’re not thinking clearly when you think about me.”

“I wouldn’t regret it,” he said, though a voice inside him screamed at him that he would. “Nova, I am not saying this lightly. I really want it.”

She smiled feebly, as if she was trying to explain something to someone who would never understand her. “You may want it, but you surely don’t want _me_. If I had not protected you from those men, if we were out of this base, and you were the free commander of the Resistance, would you have ever felt the same?” she laughed. “ _Never_. The best we could’ve been is respectful enemies who would one day end up blowing each other apart.”

“If you had not protected me, I would’ve never learned what type of person you are.” he said.

She raised her eyebrow, looking mildly amused. “And what type of person is that?”

“Kind, and caring and-“ he stopped himself before saying it, but eventually he forced the word out. “Just.”

Nova’s eyes widened comically. “You think I am a _just_ person.” she enunciated, pointing at herself with emphasis. “Me? Snoke’s bitch?”

“I didn’t mean that,” he said defensively.

“You did back then,”

“Wanna hear what I think about you now?”

She fell into a stunned silence. If she had sensed what Poe was feeling, she was certainly not aware of this shift in his feelings. She starred at the wall and it seemed like she would never say anything.

“It’s you who doesn’t want it,” he concluded after a few minutes of silence. He continued hurriedly before she could speak. “No, really, I understand. Why would someone at your level settle for a man like me after everything you’ve seen?”

“Don’t ever say that about yourself,” she said, gripping both his shoulders, sending a shock of pain down his right arm. “Poe, you have to understand. We have found a…” she searched for words. “ _Balance_.”

He groaned dramatically. If he had to hear another word about balance-

“A balance which allows us to coexist, an arrangement which is crucial for your survival.” she paused and absently caressed the raw skin around the brand, though he could feel nothing. “You are very beautiful, and very brave, and a very, very good man. But these are trying times for both of us, and I am already much too invested in this.”

Instead of calming him, her compliments upset Poe even further. He raised his voice. “So even if you could find some attraction, why would you bind yourself with someone who is soon going to die a horrible death?”

And _there_ it was. From promising him a break from suffering, to promising him there would be no more pain, to promising him safety, to promising he would not die in Hux’s hands, Nova spoke inches away from his face and promised him with an irrefutable gravity that had shivers going up his spine. “I will burn down the entire First Order before I let them kill you.” 

The hope that had been hiding in the dark, beaten and abused and not daring to come out, now emerged victorious into the room, and the unstoppable man that used to be Poe Dameron finally drew in a breath of life.

He pushed his lips to hers forcefully, feeling unsafe and shamefully needy until she started kissing him back. Her hands wrapped around to his neck, and he tentatively brought his hands around her waist. He sighed into the kiss, a newfound hunger overwhelming him the more she retaliated. He knew there was something inside him, but he didn’t know the extent of it.

When she started pulling away, he surged forward and caught her mouth in his again. She gripped his chin and slowed the kiss, pushing her lips against his softly, her other hand moving to caress his curls. He gripped at the fabric of her vest and clung to her. When they stopped, they were both out of breath. She rested her forehead against his.

“By the time you’re out of here, you will hate me as you did before,” she said.

The force of what had happened filled Poe with courage. “Then let’s go now.”

A miserable smile spread on her lips, and she rose to her feet with a sigh. Poe got up after her and gripped at her hand. “Don't make me do it. You say they want payback to the Resistance and I _can’t_ take all of that again. Please, Nova, you have to let me go.”

She chuckled softly. “For someone who claims to fancy me, you sure are keen on seeing me dead.”

“If you help me escape, I promise that I won’t let anyone harm you,” he said. “You know that the men you're working with have to be stopped. You don’t want to be here anymore, and you know it. The Resistance will welcome you. Please, you can be free of this.”

“There is no place in the galaxy where Snoke won’t find us.”

“Time is passing and you’re not giving him the map,” he said. “How much longer until they grow tired of you? How much longer until Hux takes me back? You promised you wouldn’t let that happen, you _promised_ me.”

She laughed uncomfortably, rubbing her eyes. Her reaction, or rather the absence of one, was disorienting Poe. It seemed that he was not the only one who was thinking about those things, but he was the one searching for a solution. She, on the other hand, looked like she already had one, or had stopped searching. 

“Please, let me call out to the Resistance. They will handle Snoke.”

"I could never do that," she said. “If the Supreme Leader dies, I'm next.”

“That what he wants you to believe, but it's not true! He wants you believing you are codependent! The man who killed your _parents_ to keep you at his feet for your entire life! You are not defined by him! You’re more than the Force.”

She took his face in her hands and moved the curls away from his forehead. Her gaze was soft but her voice was tired. “Do you think that this is the first time I’ve thought about running away from Snoke?”

There was very little he could say to that. If someone knew how to escape Snoke, it certainly was the person who had grown up in captivity by him. How tiring it must've been for her to hear a naive rebel excitedly proposing a plan which could never work...

He wrapped his arms around her and she carefully put hers around his chest while avoiding his shoulder. He rested his head against hers. “I’m scared,” he said.

He could already hear her answer. _Everything is fine_. Nova's chest rose and fell against his with a deep sigh. 

“So am I.”


	10. The Treason

An entirely new chapter in Poe’s life started unfolding before him.

There was a strange vagueness around what he and Nova had, but they couldn’t refuse that something had changed fundamentally. He sought out contact with her. He asked her to stay on the bed with him every night, got up to embrace her when she got into the room, took the liberty to kiss her whenever he could. Nova always retaliated caringly. Still, she appeared very hesitant to initiate anything. Poe sensed that she was deeply conflicted about what was happening.

She had every right to be too. _He_ had nothing to lose. He was still under her protection, still vulnerable, and if anything, he longed for affection and proximity, for any sign of stability in the horror that had become his life. She, on the other hand, was walking on thin ice. Whatever plan she had for him to survive had been compromised by this newfound sentiment. 

Her doubts seemed to disintegrate as Poe gained more confidence and dared asked for more. He spread out on the sheets and she laid over him, kissing him gently on his open mouth. She left fluttering kisses over his jawline, down the length of his neck and over his collarbone while he took in breathy gasps. Her hand stroked his bare chest through the collar of his shirt and he felt that he was sinking deeper and deeper into the mattress with each touch. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so _good_. 

Until he felt an uncomfortable pressure build in his groin, and his mind trailed back to the last time someone had aroused him. It was several months back, when his body had started responding to a stormtrooper's rough treatment, and the man had called out to his friends ' _The slut is enjoying it'_ and then had proceeded to pound him to the most painful and humiliating orgasm of his life.

Nova jolted away from him. “Let’s stop.”

He shivered as he tried to will the thought away. “No, I can-“

“I know you can,” she said. “You don’t need to prove it to me.”

Poe wasn’t even trying to prove it to her. He had to prove it to _himself_ first. He wanted to continue. He had been thinking about taking things a step further for days. The very thought paralyzed him. He didn’t find the courage to insist to go on. He brought his hands up to cover his face. “I’m such a mess.” he scoffed miserably. 

Nova leaned back down to press a soft kiss in the middle of his chest. “You are perfect,” she said. "I had always heard that Commander Dameron is a great lover, and these days I'm witnessing it with my own eyes." 

He couldn't help but smile though he knew that things couldn't be this way for her after everything that had happened. “Don’t make fun of me,” he murmured.

She looked slightly offended. “I'm here, aren't I? It sure isn't out of pity,”

She laid on her back and he rested his head on her chest. She wrapped him in an embrace. Her fingers tangled into his hair. “All in good time.”

Her heart beat languidly at her chest. Her skin was feverishly hot, always higher in temperature than his. The heat of the room had caused him to fall to a comfortable haze. “You’re so warm,” he said, nuzzling against her skin. “The fireplace feels a bit redundant.”

“I grew up in a very cold planet. I like the heat.”

He looked up at her. She seemed to be lost in thought, her eyebrows furrowed as she stared blankly at the ceiling. He was tentative to interrupt her thoughts. “What was the name of your planet?”

She smiled absently. “You wouldn’t have heard of it,” she said. “You weren't even alive at the time of the destruction.”

“What does that mean?”

She met his gaze and repeated. “You hadn't been born at the time.”

He scoffed uneasily. How could she have been a young adult when her planet was destroyed, while he hadn't even been born? He got up on his elbows and searched her face. “How…How old are you?”

She smiled fondly and pushed his head to lay back down over her heart. “Older than you think.” 

Poe knew that some Force-users could extend their lifespan, with the price of walking around in a deteriorating body which rotted from the inside out, preserved only enough for survival. Nova was implying that she was...What? Almost twice his age? She looked like a perfectly normal woman. “How did you acquire this power?” he asked.

“Not easily,” she admitted. “Nothing comes without a price. Not in the Light, not in the Darkness…Certainly not in between.”

“This is not the Light or the ‘in-between’. It’s clearly the Dark Side’s work.”

She ignored his comment. “It requires a certain balance that very few have managed to achieve in the history of the Force. The Supreme Leader taught me, yet he never managed to master it himself.”

“How long will you live?” he asked.

“Assuming that I don’t get murdered…” she chuckled. “I sincerely don’t know. As long as the Force wants me to. Could be a few more decades, could be centuries.”

Poe couldn't help but think about the future. About a time long after he had died, after the fall of the First Order or even the Resistance, after the death of everything he had come to know. About the rebirth of a new world, and in the midst of it, Admiral Nova still alive, a steady beacon in the chaos raging in the Galaxy.

***

Nova worked in a control room at the top of the base. Poe's heart skipped a bit the first time she took her with him there. A vast glass wall spread out before him, revealing the scenery outside. Poe walked slowly towards the glass. He hadn't seen the outside world since he had been captured.

He watched the landscape which spread out before them, the black, barren ground underneath them. The darkness of the sky. The complete absence of _anything_. He saw the ground and the base, but everything in front of them, around them and above them, was covered in a thick, grey fog. A strong wind blew, and the soil rose and whirled in the wind, a grey, thin dust like ashes. 

This place had been burned to the ground. 

He sat down at the arm of Nova's chair while she worked on the board. She absently rubbed his knee with her hand. “What is this place?” he asked.

Something in his tone made Nova raise her head from her work. "What do you think it is?" she replied curiously. 

His eyes followed the dance of the soil in the wind. "Nova," he whispered, knowing he was about to say something outrageous, but also suddenly very certain that he was right. "Are we on your planet?"

A fond smile spread on her lips. "You really are brilliant."

"You told me your planet had been destroyed," he said.

She gazed outside the window. "Doesn't this look destroyed to you?"

“Was there nothing left out there?"

"Nothing, and no one."

He was disturbed by her strangely serene expression. "Why would Snoke build a base here?" 

"Oh, that was a special treat for me." she laughed. " _Power through pain_. And what place carries more pain than-" 

She froze mid-sentence, her entire body tensing. Furrowing her brows, she slowly got up and stared at the horizon. Poe stood and followed her gaze, which was fixed on the thick fog. Her eyes roamed across the complete emptiness, following something he couldn't see. She pushed a button on the board. “Ren, do you feel this?” she hissed urgently. 

The reply came immediately, but the knight’s voice was choked down by the deafening rumble of three X-wings emerging through the fog and flying with extreme speed towards them, immediately firing at the left side of the base. Fire engrossed the building. Poe pulled Nova back, and she turned and seized him by the wrist painfully hard, looking into his eyes with raw despair. “Please, don’t try to run. Please, Poe. You have to trust me.”

He was slow to figure out what she was talking about, but when he looked behind her to the X-wings and saw the circular symbol of the Resistance painted on them, his heart flared up. The ships made a quick circle and started shooting at the base again, fire blasters wrecking the rooms around them.

Ren’s voice came muffled through the board. “Nova, engage immediately!”

"Stay back," she ordered, pushing Poe away from her. He stayed in his place. 

Her eyes remained stuck on the middle X-wing, fixed on its whirling movement with a burning intensity. The ship struck again, setting fire to a floor underneath them. Nova remained perfectly still, never letting it get off her sight.

Poe was beginning to get shivers all over his body, and he didn't even know why.

Ren screamed through the speaker. "Nova, you have to do it _now_!"

Unblinkingly, without breathing, Nova tentatively extended her hand towards the glass as if she was trying to touch a scared animal. Her hand hovered in the air for a few agonising seconds. 

And then her fingers tightened into a fist abruptly, and outside the glass, the middle X-wing burst into flames and fell right onto the left one, dragging it down towards the ground in flames. 

Poe’s gaze followed the falling ships. He could distinctly hear Ren’s voice coming through the speaker, but couldn’t make out the words. He approached the glass and saw the two X-wings on the soil. His eyes fluttered. It was as if he was hallucinating.

The TIE fighter appeared right outside the glass. “Get down!” Nova yelled.

The glass shattered and the blast sent Poe crashing back onto the wall. His ears rang. Pieces of glass and rumble lay over him. Parting them, he lifted his head and tried to see through the smoke. The control board exploded into tiny bursts. Nova laid on the corner of the room.

"Are you alright?" he called out, unable to hear his own voice properly.

Her eyes stared at him without focus. She tried to get up only to collapse back against the ground. Her mouth parted for her to say something, and thick blood spurred out. She coughed it out, spitting thick clots of blood onto the ground. Poe's hearing was starting to clear, but he had to read her lips to understand what she was saying.

" _Don't leave_."

Only the smoke cleared did Poe see the hitch which came through the broken window. Nova watched wide eyes as a woman climbed in, wearing the symbol of the Resistance on her chest. She jumped over the board into the room and pointed her rifle at him. Her head was concealed by a silver helmet. Poe didn't recognize her, but she did. 

“Commander!” she breathed out mechanically. 

She turned to Nova. “And that murderous pervert.”

Her blaster aimed at Nova. Nova didn’t raise her hands or make the slightest move. “I would advise that you get out the same way you came in, girl,” she warned calmly. “I don’t want to kill you.”

“You’ve got a mouth on you.”

She approached Nova and pointed the rifle straight to her forehead. Nova didn't even flinch. Still, she didn't do anything to send the weapon or the rebel away. Her eyes fluttered closed with exhaustion. Poe drew in a sharp breath and prepared to scream when the woman turned to him. She extended the weapon towards him. "Commander, _you_ deserve to do it." 

He got to his feet unsteadily and took the weapon. The rebel took a few steps towards him, never leaving Nova off her sight. Poe placed the rifle on the side of the Admiral's head with shaking hands. 

He noted the excitement which surged him. For the first time in months, he had some sort of power over something. Part of himself entertained the possibility of _doing_ it. Nova smiled knowingly, and it felt like a dagger in Poe's heart.

“Kill her!” yelled the rebel. “What are you waiting for? Kill her!”

Poe looked from the blaster to Nova to the rebel and back. Nova tilted her head to the side and gave him a strange look. Poe turned to the woman.

“My friend," he said. "You should leave before you get hurt,” 

The rebel placed her hand on the rifle. “Alright, give me the blaster! I’ll do it myself!”

Poe drew the weapon back. “I won’t let you,” he said, surprised by the clarity in his voice.

She stared at him in disbelief for a while. Her head slowly turned to Nova, who had a condescending smile on her lips. The next moment, she had latched herself on him, hitting him manically as she pulled the blaster off his hands.

“Traitor!” she shrieked and started shooting at him.

Poe fell onto the floor with his hands shielding his face as blasts echoed around him. He closed his eyes and yelled at her to stop while she shot rapidly and sloppily, rage blinding her vision and judgment as she screamed at the top of her lungs. Poe moved back to the floor and his hand came across a long, heavy shard of metal. He jumped his feet and attacked blindly. 

The cacophony of sounds was interrupted by a loud thump and a terrible choking sound. Blood and pieces of flesh stained Poe's face as the rebel’s helmet cracked open along with her head. She fell limply onto his arms, blood flowing off her helmet down to his body. He let go of her with a shout. The rebel's body fell lifeless onto the floor and Poe dropped the metal and fell to his knees. 

All this pain and all this horror to be attacked by his own people.

A desperate shout tore its way out of him.

He felt Nova wrap her hands around him. He buried his face to her neck, clinging to her as strong as he could, as she locked him into a tight embrace, so firmly he couldn't move.

“She was going to kill me...” he huffed.

“I know, I know,” she whispered soothingly. “You’re safe now.”

“She was going to kill me!” he repeated. "Oh, Stars, no!" 

Nova rocked him slightly, shushing him. Poe watched with bleary eyes as a pool of blood gathering around the corpse, muttering a litany of 'no, no, no' under his breath.

"Please, hush. It's not your fault," 

"I did this!" he whimpered.

Outside, he heard the rumble of shootings and screaming. He saw sparks and fire light up the grey sky. The rest of the rebels were getting executed outside these walls. Those who had survived the fall would die in the hands of Stormtroopers. No one would return from this tragic mission to tell General Organa the big news.

Commander Poe Dameron had killed a rebel for the sake of the Admiral of the First Order.

***

The atmosphere outside was so cold that Poe's atoms screamed at him the second he stepped out of the gate. Nova walked comfortably by his side. He panted heavily as he tried to keep up with her, unable to get enough oxygen into his lungs. The air around him smelled of fire and death. The soil shifted underneath his feet and raised a cloud of ash.

They stopped before the ruins of the two TIE fighters. One of the two ships was shattered, obliterated. Those inside didn't have time to do anything to spot it. Out of nowhere, they felt the explosion and then watched helplessly as they sunk into the void, taking another ship filled with crewmates with them. A single movement. A closed fist. 

“I didn’t know…” he murmured, thinking out loud. “I didn’t know.”

Nova nodded understandingly. “Not many do anymore. The Force has become exceptionally rare. But it is still here. Powerful as ever even as it grows extinct.”

Poe observed the X-wing and recognized each part of it, burned and broken as it was. The coldest wind he had ever felt was soaking through his bones. When he raised his eyes, he saw Nova watching him. She spoke flatly. "You spared me my life today." 

He shook his head. “You blew up a ship midair with your mind. You weren’t in my mercy.”

“The Force gives, but it also takes. Blow up a ship midair and you won't be able to walk for days." she paused. "You spared me my life even with the possibility of that rebel helping you escape."

“You promised me that you will help me escape,” he said simply. "I'm staying to make sure you keep your promise." 

Nova pulled him by the hem of his shirt. The tenderness of her voice contrasted the fierceness of her grip. “Soon,” she said. 

_'Soon?',_ Poe repeated. 

Nova drew him into a long, fervent kiss. 

He heard someone whistle behind them. He was freezing to the core, shaking under her touch. The air blew the smoke of the fire over them. Poe reached to wrap his hands around her, not caring who could see them. Let them say he had grown insane. Maybe he had. Poe parted his lips and moaned longingly. For the first time in a long time, he just didn’t care.

***

Nova returned to their room after two days at the hands of medics.

Poe sat up on the bed and stretched his neck. Nova stopped by the bed and trailed a finger up his spine, making him shudder. “Come here. I have something for you.”

He got up with a faint smile, following her to her office. He sat on the chair and Nova placed a pile of papers before him. He looked up at her questioningly. “Does Snoke want to hire me after what I did?”

She laughed softly and caressed his hair. He leaned his head into the touch, his hand going up to grip at Nova's. She gripped it tightly. “Would you like to send a message to your father?”

He fluttered his eyes at her. “What?”

“It can’t be anything which compromises the First Order. But if you want to tell him something, write it down and I’ll give it to him myself. No one will get near him other than me.” 

He stared down at the paper, dumbfounded. “I can really do that?” he stammered.

She smiled. “I owe you. And you deserve the best.”

She handed him a pen. Poe merely held it for a few silent minutes, staring up at her uncertainly.

There was so much he wanted to talk about. He wrote lines and lines about how he had not broken, how he was still loyal to the Resistance. It felt too impersonal, so he tore it apart and started a new one. Along the way, he got overcarried and started writing about how scared he was and how hard things were and how much he missed their house. He tore that one apart too.

Three efforts later, he came up with a brief message.

_Father, I am well. Whatever they send you, please don’t watch it. Don’t let them get to you. You have taught me resilience. I know what you have seen, and I can't bear to imagine what you might think of me now. Please, don't judge me harshly. I love you and I miss you. Don't mourn too much if I don't return. I don’t fear death anymore. Your son, Poe._

He handed the message to her. He noted the fact that she made no effort to read it, not even to check that its content was safe. She folded the paper carefully and placed it in the pocket of her coat. “Now, where should I take this?”

The location of his father was a secret he had fought terribly hard to keep. He was terrified of what could happen if they got to him, of the leverage they would gain over him. He had nightmares about Hux bringing his father and making him watch as he tormented Poe.

Nova waited for him to make his choice in silence.

“Yavin 4,” he said.


	11. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you if you're still with me. Wishing you all the best for the holidays and the new year!

The evening that Commander Poe Dameron learned the truth was bound to be the evening that Admiral Nova made a grave decision about both their fates.

She seemed to be trying to tell him something for quite some time. Poe could almost hear her speaking while she stared at the ceiling blankly, frozen fear in her eyes, an absent smile on her lips. The mark on her shoulder shone brightly on her pale skin. As they laid in bed, Poe traced his fingers around it, felt the shape and the edges, but he didn’t dare bring his hand to touch his own brand. Revulsion overwhelmed him at the very thought, a growing rage which had peaked the moment he killed that woman, a rage he knew would stay with him for the rest of his life like the brand.

The second attack on the base had brought a newfound thirst for blood, for Poe’s blood, and he could feel the noose tighten around his throat. Nova seemed to have nothing to say about that as she pushed him off her chest to get up. Her serenity was unsettling. The room was disturbingly quiet, calm before the storm.

She tied her cape around her shoulders and spoke with her back turned to him. Her voice sounded eerie and cold, as if it was coming from a distance. “The Supreme Leader calls you to him,”

Poe tried not to let the concern sound in his voice. “Alone? Why?”

“He knows,” she said simply. 

She rested her hands on the table and let her head drop forward in despair. A shiver ran through Poe's body. He stood up next to her. "How much does he know?" he asked carefully. 

"He knows that we are bound," she said. "He knows that we are hiding something." 

He cursed under his breath. "Stars! What are we going to do?”

Nova lifted her head and stared at the wall voidly. “Nothing," 

“ _Nothing_?” he repeated.

She took her time tying her lightsaber on her belt and shook her head as if she hadn't heard him. “Poe, there was no other way. You have to remember this when he tells you.”

“Tells me what?" he asked. "What have you done?”

“Everything I did, I did for a reason. I take comfort in the fact that you’re no longer the same man, that you may understand in time. But whether you forgive me or not, _I love you_.” she turned and met his gaze, coming back to her senses for a single moment to place her hand on his neck. “I love you and I'll do anything to save you.”

It was Poe's turn to be lost, and he froze in place as he processed the words. His mind span across the statement frantically and he searched her expressionless face helplessly. “I love y-“

She pressed her palm over his mouth to silence him. She regarded him with a strict look, as if she was warning him against speaking. Slowly withdrawing her hand, she opened the door and stepped outside.

She started walking away without another word or look. Poe watched her in shock. He choked down the urge to ask her where she was going, to call her back. He didn't acknowledge the footsteps of the approaching stormtrooper, fully absorbed in watching her walk away. Until the very last moment, he was certain that she'd turn and look at him, that she'd tell him something, and he watched in shock as she marched down the corridor and disappeared around the corner. She had merely left. Poe didn't know why he was feeling so deeply disturbed by it.

The moment Nova got off sight, the stormtrooper placed his blaster at Poe's back and ordered him to follow him. True to her word, the Supreme Leader was waiting for him.

***

Poe could scarcely ever look at the Supreme Leader. He had faced much more terrible sights, but there was something about the man's dead eyes that shook him to his core. When the stormtrooper made him kneel in front of his throne, Poe didn't raise his eyes to him. He jolted when he heard the door close behind them. Snoke wasn't looking at him either. His gaze was travelling around the room, thoughtful and dark yet strangely human.

“Commander,” he stated. “I expect to get the truth from you, either willingly or not.”

A pause, in which Poe remained as still as possible as if he could make himself invisible. 

“Princess Leia’s cowardly attacks on the First Order have all failed. You've been made an example of what happens to those who endanger the order of the galaxy.”

It was the first time in Poe's life that he had addressed the Supreme Leader. He was surprised by the calmness in his own voice. “Perhaps I have. But the Resistance does not yield.”

Snoke gave him a pitiful smirk. “The Resistance has been decimated exactly because _you_ yielded. The information you gave to the Admiral will determine the future of the Light.”

Another taut silence. Poe's ears rang. An iron fist clasped around his heart, though he didn't fully understand what he was hearing just yet. He huffed in confusion. “I haven’t…I haven’t told her a single thing. I haven’t surrendered.”

"Not fully," Snoke corrected him. “Yet it was Nova who uncovered your newest base. Located and obliterated half of your fleet. Forced the rest of your kind to spread across the Galaxy, and cut all communications. How do you think she attained all this information?”

“Not from me!" Poe cried out, the desperation rising in his voice. "You’re lying. She wouldn’t do that-“

_She wouldn’t do that to me. She has promised_ , he thought, and only then realized how pathetic he had been. He stopped with a strangled sound and looked up at the man. Snoke was watching him curiously like a hunter observing a strange animal before finding the moment to fire. 

Poe didn't know the full truth, but part of him understood everything just from the look in Snoke's eyes. Nova had described it as 'not remembering it, but knowing it had happened'. Poe felt rather than remembered that he had given her the information. He _knew_. He had known for some time now, but he hadn't dared even think of it. His mind travelled to what she had told him a while ago, about love and about saving him and about forgiveness. He watched as the words lost their essence. _How could there have been no other way?_

“No,” he said simply, not sure who he was addressing it to. 

“You don’t remember a single thing, my poor child.” Snoke realized. “She wouldn’t want you to bear the burden of the truth. She’s a kind foe, isn't she?”

Poe doubled over his knees as tears ran down his face, the tightness crushing his chest. His hands wrapped around his hair in a vicious grip, and Snoke reached over and untangled his fingers. Poe paralyzed with fear at the man's touch, sank down even lower. 

“Painful,” Snoke said understandingly. “Painful to find you have been used.”

His hand tangled through his hair, smoothing back Poe's curls. The pilot recoiled feebly, but his body went tense and almost motionless the moment Snoke touched him. 

“But why do I suspect that you’re not the only one who has been used?” he asked icily. 

"I don't know," Poe said, his voice breaking. "I promise you I don't know anything." 

With that, the Supreme Leader pulled him by the hair to face him. Poe's neck strained painfully. Snoke's face had contorted into a grimace of rage. “The Force buys obedience, but not devotion or love. You trust her too much for a sane man. Why?”

His hands came up on either side of Poe's forehead and his world exploded in pain. Not only his head but his entire body burned with the attack. His vision went blindingly white as currents ran through his bones. The anguish built and intensified, to the point that Poe feared he would pass out right there at the Supreme Leader's feet.

When Snoke released him, he fell to the ground with a surprised cry. 

“Rebel fool!” the Supreme Leader roared. “Why protect her? Why be loyal to her after all you've suffered in her hands? Your thoughts and the map may still be obscured, but I see this disgusting sentiment, this betrayal you feel. Are you truly so desperate as to believe the lies she fed you to keep you good and quiet?" he pulled him up by the shirt and spat the words against his face. "Or is she hiding something from me?" 

The door opened and Poe moaned a sigh of relief as Snoke let him collapse once more. A stormtrooper barged in and bowed to the man hastily. "S-Supreme Leader Snoke, the Admiral-" he choked. "She has..." 

"I asked you to bring her to me," Snoke hissed, urging him to speed up. 

"Supreme Leader," the stormtrooper whimpered. “She has fled the base on a cruise fighter.”

Snoke sighed deeply and said nothing. Poe's sudden sob cut through the tense silence. He curled in on himself unconsciously. The Supreme Leader stood up from his throne. “You haven’t seen an ounce of her cruelty. She turned her eyes away when her own parents died. Did you think she’d stay for you?” 

He knelt by Poe's side. The pilot yelped when he forced his chin up to look at him, though he was not being rough like before. His eyes were blurred with tears. Snoke met his gaze and his voice grew gentle. He looked sincerely devastated. “I have yet to meet a student like yourself. You would've been worthy of my teaching. Loyal, obedient, trusting. Even in the clutches of the enemy.”

Poe lowered his head as much as he could manage and wept, barely even hearing the man. “It's always those who we love the most who hurt us the deepest...I will forgive, in time. She'll be punished, and once I'm done with her, she won't remember you ever existed. She will continue on the path to her destiny free from the impure thoughts which plague her now.”

People started walking in through the closed door. Hushed whispers echoed in the hall as news spread that Admiral Nova had fled the base in secret, and that Kylo Ren was out to get her. Poe didn't even open his eyes, but he heard Hux's voice behind his back. Snoke rose to his feet and loomed over him. 

“Your fate will be much more merciful. Once you’ve given me the map, I'll grant you a decent death...For the sake of the treason we have both suffered.”

He stopped for one moment at the stairs before leaving and advised him. “Surrender. What else is there to hold onto?”

The Supreme Leader ordered Hux to come forward and Poe felt hands drag him away like they did in his dreams for so long. This time they were very much real, and he knew Nova wouldn't wake him up from this. 


	12. The Sacrifice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the big delay. Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you're still here! Good news is, the rest of the story is almost ready. I just have to do some editing.
> 
> tw: rape, torture, in case you haven't had enough of that

He never quite returned to being Commander Poe Dameron of the Resistance. 

When Nova fled from the base, and Hux became responsible for him once more, Poe went back to being the thing he was right before she had found him. He did resist at first, feebly, halfheartedly, before surrendering to the inevitable. He was at their mercy. That was a lesson that had taken him several torturous months to learn, and his time in Nova's care wasn't enough for him to unlearn it.

The First Order picked up exactly where they had left off, with a grand gala orchestrated by Hux, the festivities of which revolved around reminding the Commander of the Resistance who he belonged to.

There was a raw, climactic aura in the room as officers, soldiers and allies of the First Order arrived. Their favorite toy was on display again, naked and bound at Hux's feet, shaking with shock. The Admiral no one trusted was gone, leaving a very attractive position open. The Supreme Leader was in a dark, dangerous mood. It was Nova's blood he thirsted for, but he'd take the next best thing: Poe. Now that was a proper party. 

Poe was stronger now. He had gained some weight, he was unwounded, well-rested. He had to be held down and beaten with the officer's bare hands until he couldn't speak, and then flogged with a metal rod across his chest and all the way down his legs, his body writhing in agony with every welt. The fact that he could put up a fight, helpless and pathetic as it was, exhilarated them.

When the man realized that Poe hurt too much to move, let alone fight, he stood up proudly and took a look at his work. "Back in your place, Dameron,"

Commander Poe Dameron would've mocked him, yet would've been otherwise unbothered by his words. Recent events proved he was still an idiot, but at least he wasn't that stupid anymore. This pain, this humiliation, was all too familiar. Did he honestly think his place was by the side of the openly treacherous Admiral who had mastered the Dark Side? No, he _was_ back in his place. How could he ever think he belonged anywhere but there?

And through all of it, the lens on his face, taking in his spasming body, recording his screams as the man whipped him, ever-present, ever-knowing. The officer pulled him up by the hair and forced him to look straight at it. “Say hello to your rebel friends.”

Yet was he even in the Resistance anymore, after killing one of them for the Admiral's sake? No one knew that, but what they did know was that he had surrendered his mind to her, fully though unknowingly. Either way, the Resistance was watching him. His father was watching him. He could confess to what he had done. He could confess and the people who were watching these holovids in horror would be spared the pity, would understand that Commander Poe Dameron was not even there anymore and would think ' _serves him right_ '. 

He wished he was strong enough to at least do that for his people.

The crowd increased in number as the hours went by. It seemed that the Galaxy would never run out of people who craved to hurt him. Everyone wanted to have a piece of him, wanted to hear him cry and scream and beg. Most of them got it. The holovids reached out to those who couldn't be there to contribute. It felt like the entire Galaxy was in that room.

Except for one person.

At some point, someone kicked him exceptionally hard in the chest, and Poe felt blood spur out of his mouth as his ribs collapsed inwards. He released a choked cry as his lung was punctured, and had to fight to draw in air again. His chest contracted painfully and his throat filled with blood.

Everyone paused and watched him with a look of genuine worry. They weren't planning on finishing him off so easily. No, this wasn't nearly enough. A medic hurried over and injected his arm with a burning liquid.

That was when reality started to deform. From that point onwards, Poe's vision dimmed, his body sunk helplesslly against the hard floor. The men gathered around him once more and the abuse continued. Silent pleas left his lips at their own will, in between moans and whimpers. 

A constant clamor of pain, but an absence of fear. An absence of anger. A strange serenity in knowing that he wouldn't live to see the end of this party. He was being torn apart, and he didn't even care. 

Still, he screamed at the top of his lungs when Snoke attacked his mind. The man breached his mind lazily, to entertain himself rather than to extract information. He released a pitiful scorn. "He's thinking of her."

Hux pushed him face down the floor and two men arrived to hold him still. He grabbed Poe by the hips and pushed inside him in a firm, relentless thrust. Poe whimpered weakly against the intrusion as Hux immediately set up a fast, punishing pace. He grabbed him by the chin as he moved inside him, his movement eased by blood. “Say her name. Say her name, scum,” he ordered and he thrust harder and harder the more he remained quiet, but Poe genuinely couldn’t bring his mind to what Hux wanted him to do. 

“No-Nova,” he eventually whimpered, and the room erupted in malicious laughter.

Hux shifted his face in his hand and kissed him on the lips. Poe tried to pull away desperately, feeling bile and blood rise up his throat. Hux slapped him so hard everything went black for a moment.

He caressed the brand in his arm tenderly. "If that bitch ever did a good thing, it was this." he whispered intimately. "After everyone has had their turn, I'm going to fill your body with brands forehead to toes. Your own father won't be able to identify your corpse." 

But Poe wanted to be erased. Wanted to have the mark of the First Order burned all over him until nothing was left of the man he was. It served him right. 

Hux released inside him and grabbed him for a last kiss, spitting on his face as he pulled out. "You should be grateful for this. After everything we've broadcasted, no one would ever want to touch you again anyway."

Poe got that at the first try, and rested his head down in defeat, suddenly losing the world around him. When he regained consciousness, a man had taken Hux's place, thrusting inside his limp body. He cried out, and the man wrapped a hand around his mouth, blocking his already restricted airflow. 

He choked, drooling blood onto the man's hand and coughing so painfully he felt his heart would stop. 

* * *

When he could muster enough logic to access the situation, Poe felt grateful that he was sedated. He had lost all sense of time and space, lost count of the times he had been beaten and raped. Most of the time, he wondered where he was and what was happening. He didn't even recognize the old enemies who were whispering filthy insults in his ear. His sense of self returned for a few agonizing moments before the medicine plunged him back into darkness. 

In his momentary reverie, he didn’t notice that no one was touching him anymore. It was the deafening silence that caught his attention.

He opened his eyes but couldn’t bring himself to lift his head. He couldn't bear to even breathe. A deep searing pain shot through his chest and down his spine with the slightest movement.

He felt her hand on his shoulder, turning him onto his back. He saw only a vague image of her face, but he felt the Force surging through his veins.

She leaned down over him, her body a barrier between him and them. "I came as fast as I could," she whispered softly. 

She was back, and if he was to die, he wouldn’t die alone, and he wouldn’t die in Hux’s hands. For all his betrayal and confusion, he felt his eyes flood with tears, and he squeezed onto her hands, unwilling to let go. 

“I made a vow to you, and I'm here to pay the debt,” she continued.

“Don’t leave me,” he whispered frantically.

Nova pressed a chaste kiss on his forehead and left.

Poe did his best to keep his eyes open as she got to her feet and bowed deeply towards the Supreme Leader. The entire room was staring at her intense silence, but she seemed to have eyes only for Snoke.

He rose off his throne and walked towards her, the crowd making way around them hurriedly. Finally given some space, Poe drew in a painful breath of air, tainted with the smell of blood and sex. 

Snoke’s expression and voice was calm and calculated in a way that reminded Poe of Nova's. He had never noticed that before.

"Loyalty above all else, Admiral,” he mocked, his gaze dropping to Poe indifferently. “Have you returned to die with your lover?”

“I have come to take responsibility for my actions against this man,” she replied calmly.

Snoke’s facade didn't falter, yet his eyes burned with fiery hatred, and beneath it was a deeply-set pain. Poe saw the anguish of a man trying to find a reason to forgive his child, and finding her unwilling to even apologize.

“Have you nothing to say for yourself?" he spat out. "I sheltered you, I raised you like a daughter, and you have the audacity to stand before me now and continue defending this rebel. All the years I wasted trying to educate you...”

“Supreme Leader, your vision of the Force has always been a source of inspiration to me. Yet the First Order has become a heathen for abusers, who torture and destroy to make up for their pathetic lives. I am a _stonished._ Astonished by the fact that _you_ , in your infinite wisdom, cannot see what we have become.”

Snoke raised his voice and everyone took a collective step back. “You are the heir to the Sith! Sympathizing with a rebel goes against the principles you were raised on, the principles you sacrificed your own people to serve-”

"I didn't sacrifise my people! That was you.” she said cruelly, only to have her voice mellow after a pause. “And I chose to forgive you for the harm you’ve done to me, Supreme Leader. For my reservations against the First Order, I never doubted _you_. Not until you condoned the endless, brutal torture of this innocent man."

“As long as this _insect_ has the map to-“

“Luke Skywalker is dead,” she announced casually, and now it was Snoke's turn to take a step back. 

Shocked exclaims echoed through the hall. Poe's heart tightened in his chest, though he was not in a state to fully understand the gravity of her statement. Kylo Ren was not present in the gala. He couldn't imagine what would've happened if he was. 

“You went after Luke Skywalker! You’ve had the map in your possession, and you chose to act now!” Snoke said. “For _his_ sake?”

“I serve the Force before anyone,” she argued. “If anything, _you_ have forced this fate upon me.”

Her voice rose in desperation, and she took another step closer to him. “I begged you to release him. I prayed that you'd change your ways and prove to me that you're better than these men.”

Snoke simply looked at her, regaining his composure. "I always feared that depriving you of free will would limit your potential,” he said coldly. "So be it. By the time I'm done with you, you won't remember he ever existed."

She smiled bitterly and knowingly, not the least bit surprised by his answer. “The era of extremism is over. Luke Skywalker understood that, and he welcomed me as a friend. With him dead, the Jedi will not return.” she took a long pause, in which she bore her gaze into the Supreme Leader’s eyes serenely. “And neither will the Sith.” 

In the years that followed, some attributed the absence of a fight to Snoke’s surprise. Some claimed that Nova had immobilized him using the Force. Some even went as far to say that both Nova and Ren had some elaborate coup planned. Yet Poe was closer than anyone, and he saw with his own eyes that the Supreme Leader simply did not resist.

Nova pulled out her lightsaber and the searing blade went through his chest. Snoke released a horrible, choked sound of terror. He held his protegee’s gaze for an endless moment, overwhelmed by betrayal and agony. Nova's eyes were filled with pain, as if she was the one being slaughtered. They looked into each other's eyes silently as blood stained his robes, until the Supreme Leader lost his balance and dropped dead right next to Poe. 

The crimson light of the saber lit Nova's pallid face. Her gaze dropped to her hands as she turned it off. She stood unsteadily over Snoke's corpse, looking like she was about to drop dead next to him. "This day marks the end of the First Order." she said flatly, finally turning to the crowd. "The galaxy is not big enough for you to hide,"

The synchronization was outstanding, as if the Resistance was waiting right behind the corner to see Snoke's dead body. The X-wings cut through the sky and started firing, breaking the glass as a dreadnought appeared through the fog.

Chaos ensued. People pushed each other around as they tried to run back to their ships. Hux shouted orders at men who were running for their lives. Nova seized the opportunity to get Poe. 

She practically dragged him down the corridors while he heaved for air. Stormtroopers banged onto the two of them without recognizing them, running around in panic and without direction. Poe was leaving a trail of blood behind him.

She stopped outside an escape pod and lowered him to the ground very carefully. She dialed a series of coordinates onto the board. "There's going to be a bloody battle. I'm sending you somewhere safe,”

“What’s going to happen to you?” he asked, holding her wrist.

She didn’t answer, trying to break free of his grip. “Sweetheart, you don’t need me anymore. The rebels will be here any minute, and I have to run before they arrive or else-”

“Come with me,” he said.

She caressed the damp hair away from his forehead, holding his face in her hands. “You’re confused. The Resistance will come find you once it's safe. You'll be alright, I promise you. This is over."

He shook his head frantically, barely even registering her words. "I'm not ready. I don't want to be alone. I'm not ready, Nova, please." 

She furrowed her brows, bewildered by his reaction. "Have you lost your mind?" she muttered. "Get into the ship and leave."

He glared up at her. She couldn't say that to him, not her. Nova shook her head in disbelief, ready to pull away from him.

The First Order found her before the Resistance did. Kylo Ren charged inside the room, his face a deformed mask of pain and rage. 

The knight lifted his saber over his head. Nova threw herself over Poe and extended her hand towards Ren. “Why?” he roared. “Why?”

“You know why!” she yelled back.

Ren took in the sight of the couple, of Nova shielding him with her body as Poe held her, trying to pull her away from the man. Ren lowered the saber and released a frustrated wail, pure rage burning through his voice.

“You killed our Master! I should execute you in the spot.”

She kept her hand up, speaking reassuringly. “It's about time that this foul place was destroyed. We'll build a new legion for you, Supreme Leader. The fate of the Force lies upon your shoulders.”

Kylo Ren merely glanced at her at the sound of the title. If anyone was to be Supreme Leader, that should've been Nova, and he knew that.

Ren's lightsaber turned off. Pulling Nova to her feet forcefully, he grabbed Poe and threw him inside the escape pod. His body screamed as he hit the floor.

Ren and Nova exchanged an understanding look before he pushed her inside. The knight of Ren pointed at them. “This is the last favor I’m doing you. Next time I see either of you, you'll die.”

The door closed behind him, and the escape pod launched into space at full speed. Commander Poe Dameron had spent a full year at the hands of the First Order, and it would be many more years of his life until he left it behind, but from that moment on, he was free.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please share your thoughts with me with a comment.


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